Only Love Will Guide You Home
by Weirling
Summary: The story takes place during 'Watershed'. AU after Rick storms out of Kate's apartment. Castle is kidnapped and the repercussions will affect everyone he loves. Alexis blames Kate for everything as they struggle to survive and heal as a family. In this story, Kate never took the FBI job. Mostly because I never thought she should have.Rated T for now but will go M in later chapters.
1. All that I'm Living For

Only Love Will Guide You Home

**A/N: ** Imagine if the 'Watershed' episode were split apart and in the middle was a separate story.

It is basically Canon up to when he angrily leaves her apartment. Make believe after that. The story will eventually come back to the last part of 'Watershed'. All mistakes are my own.

**Disclaimer:** Castle doesn't own my characters or storylines (only me) and I don't own theirs.

Thanks to: Kim, Deb and Bev for the medical advice. They are great people and if any of it is wrong… I'm sure they're sorry.

Also, thanks again to Detective Welsh of my local PD. She's a great sport. With the questions I have asked her and the scenarios I have proposed…it's a wonder the FBI isn't watching me. LOL or are they?

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Chapter 1: All that I'm Living For

_I can feel the night beginning__  
__Separate me from the living__  
__Understanding me__  
__After all I've seen__  
__Piecing every thought together__  
__Find the words to make me better__  
__If I only knew how to pull myself apart_

_ ~ Evanescence_

Kate Beckett stepped off the elevator and just stood for a moment, mentally bracing herself for another long night. Silence permeatedthe hallways for a change. After three weeks, she's learned to appreciate the quiet times. But the halls seem longer tonight...the shadows more pronounced.

Durable beige walls seem to echo with negative energy. The Trauma/ICU floor wasn't as busy as it usually was. Men and women in scrubs and lab coats worked and talked quietly among themselves at the nurse's station.

Kate sighed with relief at the sight of a friendly face.

Chloe Williams looked up as someone stopped in front of her desk. Her almond colored eyes contrasting beautifully with her dark brown skin and her plum colored scrubs. She offered an open, friendly smile when she recognized her visitor.

"Well, well…you're running a bit behind," she observed, arching one playful eyebrow at Kate. It was after ten p.m. Usually the exhausted homicide detective got to the hospital around eight. "I hope that means you finally got some real sleep in a real bed." She offered the younger woman a hopeful smile.

"Yeah….no…we were chasing down a lead on Castle's case all day." She attempted a smile for the nightshift nurse. They had bonded during this whole experience. "And before you ask, the answer is no. We didn't catch a break at all. Spent the whole damn day chasing our tails."

She couldn't contain a frustrated sigh. "How's he doing tonight?" She wasn't trying to be unfriendly, she was just anxious for some good news.

Chloe gathered Kate's hands up in her own. Something about this girl just tugged at her heartstrings.

That first night she came into the ER…she could tell Kate was struggling to keep it together. It was in her eyes. She was like an injured, wild animal. She was barely holding on to her thin veneer of control. And then on the second night…and how horrible _that_ had been on top of everything else…Kate had been so pale and seemed so lost.

Well, she couldn't help it if she had become fond of the girl. _Besides_, she told herself with a shrug, _a little mothering never hurt anyone, and Kate seemed like she could use some. _Chloe could see that Kate was better now, but still struggling some nights.

"Oh honey, he's had a good day. You want me to give you the list?" She patted Kate's hands, her rich brown tones a perfect contrast to Kate's lighter skin. "Smile sweetie, it's good news," she assured her with a genuine warmth.

Kate allowed herself to relax for a minute. Closing her eyes, she took a breath. She opened them as she exhaled with a huff. She smiled a little more at Chloe, "Okay, let me hear it."

"No fever again today, his white blood cell count dropped quite a bit, his vitals have been steady all day…also they made good progress today weaning him from sedation." Her soft black curls bounced as she spoke. "And he is still out breathing the ventilator…fifth day in a row," she said with a smile.

"That is good news," Kate agreed, but her tone was flat. It wasn't the news they were waiting on.

"There was also some word from one of his Doctors, today." Chloe said in a singsong voice. She wanted to tease Kate, see her smile for a bit, but the poor girl suddenly looked so desperate for good news she didn't have the heart. "They're gonna wake him up and take him off the ventilator in the morning," she announced with a small flourish.

Kate leaned against the counter, resting on her elbows and grinned. _YES!_ She drew in a shuddering breath… for a moment, it felt like the burdens she had been carrying got a little lighter as she exhaled.

"Oh, that's great news." Her eyes began to tear up but she soon got control of herself. Wiping at her eyes, she laughed softly, "That's the best news I've had in three weeks," she said, smiling widely at the nurse. She pushed herself off the counter intending to head to Rick's room…

Chloe leaned in to whisper so only Kate would hear, "Oh, his daughter's with him. You want me to let her know you're here or do you just want to go on in?"

"How is _she _tonight?" Kate asked, wondering if it was going to be another battle with Alexis. She hoped not, she was tired and just wanted to try to sleep for a couple of hours.

"About the same as last night," the nurse offered softly. "She's not saying much, she's pissed off and pouting.

Beckett sighed. "Just let her know I'm here, if you would please."

She walked over to the wall nearest the nurse's station and leaned against it, letting her head fall back in exhaustion. She closed her eyes and waited. A few minutes later she could hear Alexis's footsteps coming down the hallway, they stopped near her and she could feel the tension growing.

_Would it be war or peace tonight, she wondered_.

"You picked a hell of a night to be late."

_War_.

Alexis' temper and her ability to remain mad at Kate seemed to have no end.

"I have a HUGE test tomorrow morning. Thanks to you, I'll be so tired it'll be a shock if I even pass it."

'_Oh shit! She forgot to…'_

"I'm sorry, Alexis. I should have let you know that I was running late." She spoke softly, making sure to keep her tone neutral, calm.

"Not passing along important messages seems to be a thing with you lately. It's a good thing no one else is affected by your decisions! _Oh, wait…They are!"_ Her voice was soft, but her electric blue eyes were glinting with emotions. Anger radiated from her.

All of it directed at Kate Beckett. Except Kate couldn't see it. And that just infuriated the young woman more.

"Everything always has to be about you, doesn't it? How about putting Dad first for once? God knows he's always putting you before everything else."

She took a few steps closer to Kate, her voice shaking with emotion. "He puts you before his family, his career…even his own life!" Alexis wielded the truth like weapons. "When is it going to be enough for you, Kate? When he's dead?"

She tried to maintain an outward calm, but inside her heart was breaking. She loved Alexis like she was her own. If not her own child, at least the younger sister she never had… and she hated how things were between them.

"Look, I get that you blame me for your world being turned upside down, but…"

"There are no buts!" Alexis jumped in. "Yes, my world has been turned upside down… I almost lost my dad, Kate…he's practically all I've got."

Kate turned to face Rick's fiery, redheaded daughter. "But your father is going to live, Alexis!...and all this anger is not good for you. You need to…"

"Don't you dare tell me what I _NEED_ to do!" Alexis was still keeping her voice low, but that last one had some bite to it. "You are _not_ my Mother."

_That hurt more than Kate thought possible_.

She blinked back the emotions that were trying to cross her face."You're right, I'm not. And I'm not trying to be." She sighed. "I just don't want you to end up making stupid mistakes like I did."

"Your concern is touching."

"You know what Alexis?" she said, throwing up her hands, "You wanna act like a kid on a tantrum, fine, go ahead. You're right, this is all my fault. I'm sorry. I couldn't protect him."

Alexis must have finally realized they had an audience, because she lowered her voice and spat out quietly, "You're damn right it is! And it wasn't _couldn't_,…Kate…no…it was _didn't_. I will never forgive you." Then she laughed…a short, angry sound, "I don't think anyone else will either."

Kate's day had been long, hot and unproductive. She was tired. She was bitchy. And she had had just about enough of Little Castle's mouth. But she didn't feel up for a fight tonight. As it was, they would be lucky if no one had called Security.

"If you're done blaming me for the night, you should probably try to get some sleep before your test. I'll text you if anything changes overnight." Kate said, taking a step back.

Alexis huffed in disgust, "Just have Grams let me know." She turned and walked away.

Kate waited until she heard her angry footfalls fade away, before she let out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding.

Tears spilled onto her cheeks and dropped to the floor before she could hide them from Chloe's watchful eyes. She quickly swiped at them.

"Girl, why do you let her talk to you that way?" She handed Kate a tissue, a puzzled look on her face. "If her Grandmother heard her, she wouldn't stand for it. What's wrong with Mr. Castle is not your fault. You know that, right?"

"I know," she replied. _She knew no such thing_, but she nodded anyway.

She took the tissue and wiped her eyes as discreetly as she could. "I know…but she needs someone to blame and some time to wrap her mind around what's happening…and I'm a safe target. Please…don't say anything to his mother or anyone else…I will take care of this, but in my own way."

"Do they know?" Chloe asked, just as Kate blew her nose.

"Do they know what?" Kate froze, the tissue still hovering over her nose.

"Do they know about th…"

"Shhhh…no!" Kate sputtered, looking around to make sure they weren't being overheard. "No, they don't know. And it's going to stay that way."

"Sweetie, I just think they would feel differently if they knew…how much all of this has cost you, how affected you really are." Chloe gave Kate a pointed look, "Especially if they knew about…_everything_."

Normally, by this point in a conversation with her friends, Kate would let them know that they were nearing one of her personal boundaries and to back off… to quit pushing. But for some reason she couldn't find it in her to snap at the caring, older woman. Not that she looked old, but there was something maternal about her.

"It wouldn't change anything if they knew, Chloe. Just more for them to carry…and they have enough on their plates as it is."

"Oh, and you don't?"

"I'm trained to handle this, they're not," Kate argued.

"Baby, ain't nobody prepared for what you've had to go through." Chloe snapped at Kate.

She struck a pose that reminded her so much of Lanie, Kate almost laughed.

"I'm fine, Chloe. Trust me…its better this way …please?…You did promise," Beckett quietly reminded her friend.

"Katherine Beckett, the last thing you are is 'fine'. The trauma nurse wagged her finger at the stubborn cop. "And I'm beginning to wish I had never promised you I'd keep quiet. I'm just worried about you, is all."

Chloe reached out and patted the younger woman's hand, giving her a consoling squeeze before she let her go.

"Thanks," Kate smiled shyly at Chloe. "I, uh, I guess I'll see you in a couple of hours, then."

Beckett lifted her hand in a small wave. She smiled again and headed for Rick's room, trying to put the feud with Alexis out of her mind. She sighed, _the good news they had been waiting on finally came today. _She was smiling as she walked down the hall_. He was waking up in the morning, starting a new phase in his recovery. Tomorrow and the next few days would reveal any lingering complications. For a moment, she allowed herself to believe that he would ever be able to recover completely._

* * *

_All that I'm living for __  
All that I'm dying for  
All that I can't ignore alone at night  
All that I'm wanted for  
Although I wanted more  
Lock the last open door_

_my ghosts are gaining on me _

_ ~ Evanescense_

She stopped in the sliding glass doorway of his room. It was so hard seeing him here…lying so still and lifeless. He was Richard Castle…Celebrity! Larger than life. Sometimes he was brash, sometimes sweet, but always _so alive!_ His passion for life exuded from his pores and made life a little sweeter for everyone in his inner circle.

He should be up telling jokes or stories, or coming up with crackpot theories with a straight face just to see her roll her eyes…or messing with Javi and Kev…or posing for some ridiculous photo shoot with sexy bimbo's….anywhere…he should be in a hundred other places than here.

Because lying here, he was just Richard Rogers. Broken. Fragile. Human.

Kate walked farther in, placing her bag next to the reclining chair where Martha would sit and read to him during the day. Silently she stood over him for a moment. Tears filled her eyes as she moved as close to the hospital bed as she could. She leaned into him and gently kissed him hello.

"Hey babe… Sorry it took so long, but I finally made it back."

Both bones in his left forearm had been broken and he had a cast up to his elbow. But it wasn't attached to an IV, so she took his hand and held it for a moment.

"Did Alexis tell you the good news? You're getting up tomorrow…I can't wait…"

Her voice broke, but she continued…

"I've missed you so much, Rick. I just need to see you really alive…I need to see your beautiful blue eyes smiling at me, not just laying here with these machines attached to you. I need to hear your voice…I really miss your voice," she ended with a whisper.

She caressed his cheek softly with her other hand, letting her palm and fingertips follow the contours of his face while she spoke to him. He still looked beautiful to her, but his face seemed thinner.

"We caught a case tonight right before I was supposed to leave. So I just dropped by the scene…oh, Lanie says 'Hi'…anyway I got the basics, then I put the case notes in the system and came straight here." She wasn't going to tell him it was _his_ case…she wasn't sure if he could hear or not so she wasn't taking a chance on upsetting him in any way. She made herself comfortable sitting on the edge of his bed.

She smoothed the hair near his forehead. She loved to twirl that little lock of hair, the one right next to where the part is. "I thought about you all day today," she whispered, leaning in close so that her face hovered over his.

She was unaware of how long she sat there, touching his face, exploring his features, memorizing every surface. Talking to him about her day, what was going on at the precinct…anything and nothing…until her own tears, landing on her hand, distracted her. She watched as another ran down his face, bouncing around the stubble on his cheek like a pinball.

His beard was growing in again. And although he looked rakish with five o'clock shadow, she didn't want it to get too long. "Looks like someone needs a shave," she told him with a smile.

Kate went to the sink area and turned on the hot water, letting it run so it could be warming up. She took out the deep healing lotion the nurses had given her and put it under the water's stream.

Adjusting the temperature so that when she was finished shaving him, the lotion would be warm and soothing, she grabbed the cordless razor. Even his shaving bag smelled like him. She smiled as she inhaled his fragrance. She missed him so much.

Keeping him groomed didn't take long, but it was something she enjoyed doing for him. It made her feel closer to him, even though he was unaware that she did it. When she was done, she couldn't resist rubbing her cheek against his, soaking up his nearness, enjoying the feel of his freshly shaved face against hers.

She returned the shaving kit, putting all his things in the blue canvas basket Martha had brought in to hold his toiletry items. After almost a month, a few little things had been brought in and his room didn't seem quite as sterile as it had.

She took the warmed lotion back over to the bed.

Gently she rubbed the healing balm over every inch of skin that she could expose. As she rubbed, she checked his wounds. The one on his forehead where the last bullet grazed him was going to leave a thin scar, nothing that should affect his vanity, she thought with a chuckle. The other gunshots were healing nicely…One on his right shoulder, the outside of his right thigh and a deep graze on his left hip. Carefully she ran her fingers and the ointment over the burn marks on his abdomen where the taser cables and stun gun had marred him.

The worst of the bruising and swelling had faded now, but the beatings had left him swollen and battered. The ugly, purplish green hues had turned into faint yellow splotches…all but healed.

He had some new scars to add to his collection, the new ones, where they had to remove his spleen, and a total of three on his abdomen. The long one curving around his left ribs still had some stitches, the other two, on his right side were already bright and healing. They would all eventually fade to thin silver lines…thanks to the talented and highly sought after plastic surgeon, who had come in to do the work as a favor to Martha.

It broke her heart every night seeing him like this, knowing it was her fault. Fresh tears fell as she remembered how he was those first few days. She had been scared so many times during the first two weeks. Kate was terrified that he would die and that their last words would be angry ones.

She felt so stupid…she had been afraid to talk to him about their future…for fear of losing him…and it had almost cost her that future. She was sure Rick would point out the irony…if he was still speaking to her when he woke up.

A flash of lightning drew her attention to the large window.

There were pictures sitting on the window ledge above the couch. The one of Rick and Kate was a candid shot Lanie took at his surprise birthday party…smiling into each other's eyes, their lips a hairs breadth apart. The love and happiness in that moment captured forever. Her eyes were drawn to them as she rubbed the warm lotion over his body.

There was one of Rick and Alexis…a professional pose of him perched on a stool and Alexis leaning over his shoulders. Her arms were wrapping her Dad up in a big hug. But her favorite was the one she took of him and the redheads one night at the loft.

She had caught the losers at Rick's desk, conspiring against her in laser tag. The three of them had their heads together, whispering and gesturing fervently. They were so busy plotting their three on one victory that they didn't see her until she already had her phone out and cleared her throat. The looks on their faces was priceless, a mixture of guilt, shock, fear and embarrassment. She clicked off several shots as good-natured teasing and insults were hurled about.

She remembers the moment with a soft smile…she didn't feel like a guest anymore after that night. They had all ganged up on her and she knew then that they loved and accepted her into their nucleus. She truly felt like part of the family.

Kate put the lotion away and made her way to the green reclining chair, and opened her backpack. She removed her PJ's from its depths and hung clothes for tomorrow in the little built in closet around the built in sofa, shaking some wrinkles out of them as she hung them. She would shower and change once a nurse got here. In the meantime, she would write. She reached for the journal on the bookshelf. Writing had become part of her nightly ritual.

They had all agreed that not knowing the details of what was happening while he was unconscious would drive him nuts when he woke up. And since they couldn't give him all that time back ,she thought they could capture it instead. As a writer, she reasoned, he would be glad to have a journal documenting his missing time. Martha and Alexis agreed and were happy to join in.

So she wrote to him about his condition, kept him apprised of any developments during the evenings, no matter how small. She added her information to the pages where Martha and Alexis wrote their parts.

On the days she had to go in to the precinct, she wrote about her day at work, told him about whoever had asked about him that day, or passed on any well wishes. Kate told him about the day's weather, people she saw if she went out, phone conversations…anything she could think of that happens in the course of the day…always trying to use enough adjectives so his writer's mind could create the imagery he needs.

She didn't write down that it was her fault. She didn't put on paper how sorry she was. How could that possibly translate?…so much emotion…she didn't know how to express it enough…'I'm sorry' just seems inadequate on paper.

She included a print out of the Visitors Report the officers guarding his room kept. She stapled the notes, charts and logs that she, Alexis and Martha kept throughout the day into the journal.

Finally, she pulled out her personal diary. She purchased it when she bought his journal. And although she wasn't sure at the time if she would actually use it, it had become somewhat therapeutic. Here she could write down all the things she could never work up the courage to say.

Kate put it all in the diary, all her feelings, every truth about herself, everything she wanted to tell him but froze when she actually tried to speak the words. She had always been better at Show than Tell.

He was a wordsmith…they came so easy for him, whether written or spoken…he always seems to know just what to say…she gets tongue tied just thinking about speaking about feelings, emotions, hopes and dreams. She's the type of person who needs time to collect her thoughts and make sure the words match her emotions. She needs to memorize what she wants to say…and practice her lines a few times. It's been so hard opening up to him….feeling like a klutz…tripping over her own words…not knowing how to even communicate her feelings and fears to the man she loves. This gave her an avenue for that. She had the time to organize her thoughts and write it all down.

_If she could just hand him the diary and let him see_.

She wasn't sure what she was going to do with it. She might keep writing, or she might give it to him one day so he could read what she couldn't say.

_Then he would know how she feels. If she just had the courage to let him look…_

_If only she had been able to tell him sooner, none of this would have happened._

The sound of the door sliding opening brought her out of her reverie. She quickly closed the diary in her lap and stuffed it down inside the chair. It was too private.

"How are you doin', sweetie?" Chloe asked as she walked into the room.

"I'm tired tonight." Kate admitted with a sigh, briefly resting her head back in the recliner. "I think sleep sounds good right about now… I just need to shower first." She was so tired, she was almost tempted to skip it…but it was really hot today and she was sweaty and probably didn't smell too sweet, either.

Chloe put her hands on her hips and grinned down at Kate, "Well then you are in luck missy, because Mr. Rick was last on my rounds…as soon as I get him taken care of, I'm on break...and I'm plannin on sittin' my bones in that nice recliner…for ...say 15 or 20 minutes. It's not much, but why don't you go take a decent shower for once. Let it try to relax you some."

Kate nodded in agreement, "Let's get him rolled over and we'll manipulate his joints, then I'll grab that shower."

"No, not tonight…this _is_ my job you know. I know you feel like you need to help…but tonight, why don't you just let me do this and you grab a shower."

"You are the best," Kate said with a huge smile. She stood and after a moment's hesitation, she gave the older woman a quick kiss on the cheek. Tears came to her eyes when Chloe wrapped her up in the most motherly hug she's had in a long, long time.

Chloe pulled away, wiping at a tear. "Look at us, cryin' like a couple of babies! …Now, get on in that shower and let me be."

Kate quickly gathered her things and headed for the bathroom down the hall.

* * *

Kate came back into the room about thirty minutes later feeling much more relaxed and cleaner than she had in awhile. Chloe smiled at her from the recliner as the door opened.

"Well now, I bet you feel a little better," she declared with a smile. She patted her knees, "Come sit in front of me, child."

Oddly, Kate found herself obeying…and was surprised when Chloe started brushing out her hair as if she was a little girl. She brushed and soothed with her soft voice and tender ministrations. By the time she had Kate's hair brushed out and pulled back in a loose sleeping braid it was all Kate could do to keep her eyes open.

Chloe tugged Kate to her feet and nudged her towards Rick's bed.

"He was agitated while you were in the shower…I personally think he knows when you leave the room. His stats start elevating some…not real high, just agitated." She chuckled at that.

Chloe had moved Rick over so that there was enough room for Kate. "So you crawl in beside him and get situated and I'll cover you both up. Then you'll see, his vitals will return to normal…damndest thing I've ever seen. I'll be back later for my rounds…but I'll try not to disturb you…tomorrow's gonna be a big day with him waking up. I can't wait to meet him."

Kate crawled in next to him, letting Chloe help her get adjusted so she wasn't on any tubes or leads. She fluffed her pillow and curled herself around Castle. She was asleep almost immediately.

The nurse stayed for a few moments watching as Mr. Castle's heart rate began to normalize and his breathing became deep and even. With a smile, Chloe patted Kate's shoulder and then slipped out of the room, drawing the curtain across the glass to give as much privacy to the couple as she could.

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A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed it. Please take a minute to let me know what you think? Don't make me beg for reviews! Because I will…it's really kinda sad. Have a great day!


	2. All That I'm Living For--Part two

**A/N: Thanks to all those who reviewed, faved and followed! **

**Please Note: If you leave a super amazing insight, idea or comment as a Guest, I can't respond to it. And it woulda been a good one too. If you like the story, please take the time to leave a comment. It really makes my day to see what people think.**

* * *

Chapter 2: All that I'm Living for-part two

_I believe that dreams are sacred_

_Take my darkest fears and play them_

_Like a lullaby_

_Like a reason why_

_Like a play on my obsessions_

_Make me understand the lesson_

_So I'll find myself_

_So I won't be lost again_

_ ~Evanescence_

* * *

Kate's eyes popped open early, as was her habit. She checked her watch….nearly six a.m. She almost felt rested. Despite being curled into his side all night, Kate woke up two or three times fighting her own demons.

She kept reliving it…._his captivity and torture. She kept hearing his screams as they came up with a signature ending for the day's entertainment. She could see their faces…she could see Rick's face as he screamed in pain. She could see the fear in his eyes…then she was floating in a pool of blood….Rick's blood…it was everywhere…then it shifted…they were in the hospital...the blood was still there….except now it was hers…so much blood…she lay in the floor next to Castle's broken body._

She took a few deep, calming breaths and focused on forcing down the flashback and the anxiety that always followed. She needed to focus on something positive.

_Rick was waking up today! _Adrenalin shot through her at the thought.

As carefully as she could, she crawled out of the hospital bed and made sure that Rick was okay. She grabbed her phone and padded barefoot over to the sofa.

Her first text went to Captain Gates to let her know why she wouldn't be in today…or the rest of the week. The next one went to Lanie, giving her the updates. Kate asked her to spread the word to the boys and she would call her as soon as she knew anything else.

Kate's phone buzzed in her hand. She answered it automatically, not even glancing at the caller ID.

"Beckett"

"Good Morning, Katherine."

"Hey, Martha…is everything ok?"

"Yes, of course. Why do you ask?"

"Just checking, it's early for you to sound so alert."

"I'm on my way in and I wondered if you would like me to pick you up a coffee while I'm here." Martha's voice was swimming with excitement.

"Oh my god, Yes!" Kate replied fervently, "That sounds wonderful, thank you for thinking of me."

"Well of course, dear! You are family, you know…now text me how you take your coffee, because I will forget between here and the counter," she said with a self-deprecating chuckle. "Oh Kate! Isn't it just amazing…He's coming back to us today! Tell me dear; were you beside yourself when Alexis told you? I'm just so glad the day is finally here." Her voice changed…softened and Kate could hear the fear and relief mingle when she said, "My son is coming back to us today, Katherine! I'll see you in a few minutes."

* * *

Quickly, Kate texted Martha her coffee order, then all but ran down the hallway to change clothes. Normally she would have waited on Martha before leaving him to get dressed. They didn't like to leave him alone…but today was different. Today he was waking up…finally. And then it hit her… Alexis deliberately didn't tell her.

Kate's surprised at how angry and disappointed she feels. She understands that Alexis blames her for what happened to Rick…hell, she blames herself too…but she never thought the girl would stoop to something like this. She and Alexis would have to have a talk about crossing lines in their relationship…_soon_.

The floor was bustling with activity this morning and she saw the nurses making their rounds. It wouldn't be long before the respiratory team came to follow up on the order to remove him from the ventilator. She didn't want to miss it.

Kate made use of the facilities as fast as she could, then used the dressing area to change into her black jeans, a forest green T-shirt and a black pair of comfortable flats. She thought about Rick's progress over the last few days and smiled.

Weaning Rick from the ventilator had taken several days. First the deep sedation for pain had to be slowly withdrawn over time and the ventilator adjusted so that his body became more and more responsible for breathing on its own. The nurses assured her that Castle's weaning process had been smooth and easy. _How_ he woke up might be another matter. She hoped he didn't wake up agitated and fighting the ventilator.

She took a few minutes to brush her hair so that it fell in long waves, naturally framing her face. Looking at herself in the mirror, she noticed the dark circles under her eyes. Even to herself, her cheeks looked a bit gaunt.

Grabbing her emergency make-up kit from her bag, she tried to cover the evidence of a month of high stress and sleepless nights. She checked her watch… 6:35. Gathering up her things, she headed back to Rick.

* * *

_Guess I thought I'd have to change the world__  
__to make you see me.__  
__To be the one I could have run forever.__  
__But how far would I have come__  
__without mourning your__love?_

_~Evanescence_

She stepped inside his room and stopped. There standing next to his bed was Alexis. She looked surprised to see Kate.

"Good morning, Alexis. I thought you had a test this morning?"

"I…um…I must have read the schedule wrong…It's actually this afternoon, so I thought I would stop by here."

"You're a terrible liar." Kate smiled as she put her bag in the recliner.

Alexis leveled a glare at Kate, "Don't you have some criminals to catch? Maybe a couple of kidnappers?"

_Nice shot, _Becket admired her spunk, but ignored her comment.

"Alexis, I need you to come with me for a minute." Kate had on her cop face and her tone brooked no argument.

The young girl sneered at the detective and snapped out, "Why?"

"Because there's been a development in your Dad's recovery and we need to discuss it before he wakes up." Kate didn't think it was possible, but Alexis' already pale skin blanched at her announcement. '_Well, shit. She didn't mean to scare the girl.'_

"Is he ok?" fear laced her voice.

"He's fine, but we don't need to discuss this here, let's go over to the family room." Kate nodded, indicating the empty waiting room across and down the hall. She reached the room and stood aside so that Alexis could enter first.

_Alexis was frantically peeling through a dozen scenarios of what could be wrong with her dad. She heard the door softly click shut behind her. By the time she realized her mistake, it was too late. She was trapped between the door and a very scary Kate Beckett. Her hazel eyes felt like they were boring holes into Alexis, making her feel as if Kate knew exactly what she was thinking. Unconsciously, she took a step backward. She was beginning to feel a little out classed._

Kate very casually leaned against the door, crossed her arms and waited.

She kept her face expressionless as she reminded herself why she was doing this. This _was _about Rick and his recovery. That part had been the truth. They…the three of them…were Rick's recovery team and Alexis needed to start acting like a teammate, not a spoiled brat.

Alexis might not like it, but until Rick kicked her out, she was a part of this. That could be over in an hour or never, but until then, Kate was stepping up to lead the team. Rick asked her once to look after his daughter if anything ever happened to him. She had agreed, amused at his panicked belief that he was under a curse. But that didn't mean she hadn't meant it. And she would do whatever it took…surrogate parent, scary cop, CEO…but behavior was about to change around here.

Alexis broke first, "Why are we here, Kate?"

"You tell me, Alexis. Why are…_WE_ …here?" Her hands moving back and forth indicating the two of them. Her words more of a challenge than a question.

"How the hell am I supposed to know?" she responded curtly. She changed her tone and went for mildly curious, " I have no idea what you think you're accomplishing with all this." She indicated the private room and Kate blocking the exit.

"You and I are about to get some things straight…for_ our_ relationship and for our _family_ relationship." Kate said coolly, uncrossing her arms and slowly peeled away from the door.

She realized she was in full on cop mode. She knew she was intimidating her. She meandered around the room slowly, running her index finger along the top of the furniture as she spoke. "_That_ is what we are accomplishing…_with all this_," she smiled as she pivoted, her arm sweeping ahead of her turn to indicate the private room and the closed door…"You and me. Woman to Woman."

"I don't know what you're talking about." _Alexis swallowed hard. She realized that she was being toyed with by an expert. Somewhere she recognized disappointment in herself for not being able to stand up to it better, but she was totally mesmerized by Kate's movements as she casually drifted around the room. _

"Is that so?" She asked, flashing a small smile. A smile that seemed slightly amused yet somewhat dangerous. "Take a seat." Kate flicked a delicate wrist, indicating one of a pair of chairs at a small table.

As Kate had hoped, the childish instinct to obey authority figures kicked in and Alexis sat without question. Unwittingly falling into the second trap. Now Beckett had height advantage and mobility. Perfect. She slowly walked by the table, dragging a fingertip along its top. She tapped her nail, making sure Alexis was watching.

"It seems someone deliberately neglected to tell me that they were going to wake your father up today," she said with a knowing look and a smile that did not reach her eyes.

_Alexis was so distracted by Kate's hand that she couldn't hide her reaction fast enough. Her eyes widened in guilty surprise. Damn it! She busied herself stirring her coffee. She did feel bad about not telling her, she had ever since last night. She almost texted her from the elevators…but she was just so pissed at her! Everything could have changed. Was changing. Had changed…Hell she didn't know. Was she changing?_

Kate was glad that Alexis at least had the decency to look ashamed for keeping the information from her. "How could you?" Kate asked accusingly. "I would never do that to you."

_Alexis clenched her jaw and turned her head away. In all her life she had never felt this much emotion. She was terrified, relieved, happy, guilty and angry all at once! She was afraid to speak, in case things she couldn't take back came out._

When after a moment or two had passed and no reply came, Kate asked again, "Why are you so angry with me, Alexis?" She wasn't shouting, but it was close.

"Because all of this is your fault!" Alexis yelled, finally turning to face the older woman.

"My fault?" Kate asked quietly, sounding mildly surprised, goading her a bit more.

"Yes! If you had told him about the threat he would have been more alert and maybe he could have avoided their plan…or stopped it_." It felt good to yell and fight with the person who was at fault…Finally! To feel like she was getting some kind of personal justice for her father and her family. Her heart was pounding._

"Bullshit." Kate had never spoken to Alexis like this before and the younger woman was stunned.

"What?!"

"No," Kate said, ignoring her outrage. "It's more than that."

Alexis could only stare.

"No," Kate began pacing slowly about the room, looking like she was mulling over the facts of a case. "Somewhere in that smart brain of yours, you've figured out something." She waved her hand vaguely as she disregarded the reasons Alexis had given her.

"Even if I _had_ told him….those guys were still outside waiting for him." She began shaking her head and using her hands to make her points as she began digging deeper behind the lies and cover stories.

"So how do you explain that? Did they magically appear because I _didn't _pass along this vague threat that may or may not have even been credible? His kidnapping obviously was well planned and well executed…so you tell me Alexis…How is this my fault?"

"It's not." Kate answered for her before the girl could speak. "And you know that. You've known it from the start. So I keep asking myself, why would you want to hurt me like this? What have I done to you Alexis to deserve this?"

_Alexis wanted to scream at her to shut up and leave her alone. She couldn't handle this with Kate. She thought she was ready…but she's not. Her life had never had this much chaos in it. She just wanted things to go back to normal. Was that so wrong? The way things used to be._

"You're angry at me and I get it. I do. And I've apologized…if I could have taken his place, Lexi, I would have. But the time to grow up and deal with this like an adult is now …instead of lashing out like an angry child."

_Alexis put her face in her hands and propped her elbows on the table. Her fiery locks fell to frame her face. She was struggling to maintain her composure. She knew if she spoke much, or at all, there was a good chance she would break wide open…and she wasn't ready to deal with that…so she just sat. And waited. _

_Kate was right, she wasn't just mad at her over not telling her dad about the threat, but she wasn't really ready to think about, much less discuss it. She was still trying to work that out in her head. Usually she could always talk to her dad about anything, but not about this. Not about Kate. _

_She put her hands back on the table as Kate finally sat down across from her. Her face and posture was more relaxed and calm. She looked down at her hands_, "I don't know what you want from me, Kate."

Kate watched as Alexis' body language changed subtly. It appeared little Castle wasn't ready to come clean just yet. She knew could break her. She knew she could force her to divulge what was really bothering her, but she wanted Alexis to be willing to tell her. At least she had confirmed one important detail….Alexis Castle was deeply bothered by Kate. She backed off and decided to try a different route.

"Alexis, look at me." Kate's voice was firm but gentle. When Alexis finally obeyed, she continued, "I love your Father. I love him like no one else on Earth." She tried to let her sincerity show…she hoped the younger girl could feel it. "And believe it or not…I love you too."

Tears started forming in Alexis' eyes at Kate's words and she could tell she was finally reaching her. "After my mom died and my dad dove into the bottle. I had no one. My life was torn upside down, literally, in a matter of moments. I essentially lost both parents that night. I was so pissed. But I didn't have anyone to take it out on or anyone to guide me through all the changes and emotions I was dealing with. I made a lot of bad choices."

"Why are you telling me this?" _Alexis was confused and it showed on her face. Just two minutes ago, Kate had been crawling all over her, pressuring her to 'confess'. Now she's sitting here telling her that she loves her and that she understands where she's coming from?_ _God if her world could just stop going crazy for like two seconds, that would be great! She needed to think!_

"Because I love you. Because I don't want to see you make the kinds of bad choices I did. Anger, loss, confusion…they can make us do some pretty hurtful things. Not just to others, but to ourselves. Mistakes that can have long-term consequences."

"I told you before, you're not my Mom. You don't have to pretend to care about me. It's just us in here." It was said without malice, just a whispered statement of fact. Kate thought she saw something else lurking in those blue eyes.

"Yes, it is just us. Your dad's not in here to be impressed, neither is your grandmother. So please, I hope you believe me when I say, I love you. I love you, Alexis. I love Martha and I love your dad. I love your family and I hope I get to grow old with you guys." Kate's eyes began to tear up as she put it all out there for this young girl who had become so important to her over the last few years.

"And you're right. I'm not your mom. But so what? Why does our relationship have to be defined by anyone else's terms? Who says we can't be friends and care about each other? Look, I'm not telling you how to feel about _me_ or anything else. Only you can decide that."

Kate reached across the small table and placed her hand gently over Alexis', "But I am asking for a chance to discuss it with you. When you decide you're ready to talk about why you're so upset with me, I would love the chance to make it right with you."

Alexis made some weird shrug/nod/shake motion that Kate didn't understand. But it wasn't a 'No', so she would take it as a win.

"Do you have any questions or anything for me?" Kate was hoping for something…some sign that Alexis wanted to make a move towards progress. She waited… Nothing.

She finally asked with a weak smile, "Is there really a development in Dad's recovery?"

Kate put her cop face back on. "Yes, there is. The development is…he is waking up today and you and I have to find a way to get along. I was hoping this would get better with time, but….time runs out today." Kate's tone had become serious.

His daughter nodded. "I agree, it will stress him out if he thinks we're fighting."

"If he senses tension between us, the stress could hinder his recovery. It might even cause him to relapse and neither one of us wants that." Kate pressed the point. "I won't allow that."

Again, the redhead nodded in agreement.

Kate stood, even in flats she towered over Alexis. Pressing that advantage, she stepped close enough so that she forced the young woman to look up to meet her eyes.

"Okay….so here is how it's going to be. No more snide remarks, no more angry comebacks. No more tension, no more lies and half-truths. You and I are going to act like everything is fine between us. Hugs, smiles and friendliness will abound. Am I clear?"

_Kate hadn't asked for her agreement to this deal, but Alexis knew there was no real choice. Aside from the fact that she would never hurt her dad, she was positive she would not like whatever happened when you crossed Kate Beckett. Alexis dropped her gaze to the floor and nodded, wiping at her eyes._

"Good." Kate gently reached out and softly squeezed the girl's shoulder. They probably both needed a moment apart. "Why don't you go grab a refill and freshen up before your Dad wakes up. I'll meet you back in his room?"

Alexis nodded. She walked past Kate but stopped and turned at the door. "Kate…for what it's worth…I'm sorry I didn't tell you they were waking him up today. You didn't deserve that."

"Thank you, Alexis." Kate smiled reassuringly, "I appreciate that."

Alexis nodded and left.

As soon as the girl was gone, Kate dropped her head into her hands and just sat for a moment. She really wanted a great relationship with Alexis and she hoped she hadn't just ruined any chances of that ever happening.

* * *

6:25 a.m.

Martha Rodgers felt like finding a private corner to hide in and have a very private breakdown. Two weeks in the Hamptons sounded about right. As soon as Richard could travel she wanted them to go down as a family and reconnect. Do some laughing and crying together…healing together. Somewhere they could walk outside without getting set upon by photographers and reporters.

Arriving at the hospital, her driver opened the car door and helped her out. Martha was busy trying to balance two coffees and a box of pastries when a few reporters started taking pictures and yelling out questions:

_"Ms. Rodgers! Your granddaughter just arrived…is something wrong?"_

_ "Is Mr. Castle okay? When is he being released?"_

_ "Can you give us an update, Ms. Rodgers?"_

_ "Is it true his current girlfriend and his exes have been fighting over him?"_

Martha's driver was doing his best to shield her, walking beside her with an umbrella covering her. Martha spoke to the reporters as she walked towards the entrance.

"We are just both here to see him, that's all. He _is_ getting better. Thank you for asking." She gave them her Broadway smile and sailed inside.

Riding the elevator up to Richard's floor, she thought about how much worse the press had been at the beginning of all this.

For the first two weeks, the press had been horrible. Pouncing on them whenever and wherever they went…flashes and camera lights blinding them, microphones shoved in their faces until Martha wanted to scream! This was her _son_! Not just some injured celebrity!

Paula and Gina had shown up at the ER that first night scared and concerned for Richard. Gina gravitated immediately to Alexis and stayed with her until Meredith could fly in from LA the next day.

Paula, after hugging Martha and Alexis and getting what details she could on Rick, had done what Paula usually did. Make things happen. She got them in a private waiting room, put her own security outside the door to keep out reporters and had Meredith booked on a plane to New York for the next day. She already had a car scheduled to pick her up outside baggage claim.

Between them Paula, Gina and Meredith had come together to handle the press long term. They were the ones giving the interviews trying to keep the wolves away from Martha, Alexis and Kate. Paula and Gina wrote the blurbs that were released to the news.

Paula kept the gossip rags updated while Gina handled National releases. Meredith, being the actor and the mother of his only child, handled the TV interviews.

Oh, she knew all three women had a vested interest in his recovery and there were profits to be made from all of this, but they weren't motivated by that…they all loved her son and granddaughter in their own way. And thank goodness, because Martha knew she couldn't have handled dealing with the press, too, on top of everything else.

The elevator finally arrived and she stepped off just in time to see Kate disappearing around a corner down the hallway, on her way to Rick's room.

_Perfect timing_, she thought with a smile. A score of strides later and she was turning the corner to head towards his room. Martha came to a complete stop at what she saw. Kate and Alexis were heading toward a waiting room. Alexis looked mad and Kate looked like…well…like Detective Beckett. _Oh dear, _thought Martha_, she hoped Kate knew what she was doing._

Without hesitation, Martha followed the two women and stood outside the closed door. She would wait right here and make sure they were not disturbed. Yes, yes. That was her duty…_No reason she shouldn't listen in though_, she told herself.

She scooted closer to the door, trying to look nonchalant. _Not _an easy task in a watermelon and pink pantsuit.

* * *

The doorknob turned suddenly and Martha jumped back in surprise.

She watched as Alexis left the room and headed down the hallway. She knew the girl had seen her, but she let her go without speaking. Apparently, Alexis needed time to process the talk and the new rules that had been laid down to her by none other than Kate Beckett.

She entered the room and walked over to Kate, handing her the coffee she was waiting on.

"Excellent timing!" Kate flashed a smile at Castle's mom. "Thank you, I can really use this." As usual she gulped down the first sip, holding her cup with both hands.

"So, how did your talk go with Alexis?"

"You know?" Kate was surprised.

The older woman nodded, "I got here just as you were coming in…I heard you and decided to guard the door."

"Martha Rodgers! Were you eavesdropping?" Kate couldn't help but laugh at that, it was so typical.

Martha smiled and admitted to it without hesitation or shame, "Of course I was." Her blue eyes, so similar to her son's, looked at Kate, "I'm not sure anyone, other than her Father, has ever spoken to her like that."

"Oh god, Martha…I'm so sorry. If I've overstepped…"

"Don't be silly. I'm just glad you finally decided to talk to her." She looked awkward and nervous suddenly and she began to fidget with her rings. Finally she sighed, "Can I confess something to you, Katherine?"

At Kate's nod she continued, "I've been aware of the tension between you and Alexis for some time…and I'm sorry…But I just _had _to stay out of it."

She gently reached out and touched Kate's cheek, sliding a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "I tried a couple of times to steer her…but I couldn't afford to alienate my only grandchild…especially if…well…if things had not turned out like they have."

_She meant if Rick had died, _Kate realized

She stood and pulled the older woman in for a reassuring hug.

"It's Ok, Martha. Really. This is between the two of us and I—"

"Oh for Pete's sake!" Guilt laced her voice. "I practically threw you under the bus! On top of everything else that you're dealing with…leaving _you_ to deal with _my_ granddau—"

"Yeah, well, it's ok. Look, if Rick and I are going to continue our relationship, which I hope he still wants to, then Alexis and I are going to have to find our own way."

Martha pulled back from their hug and put her hands on the younger woman's shoulders. "What do you mean _if_ he still wants to? Richard will not give up on you over a slight disagreement."

"It wasn't a _slight_ disagreement, Martha." Kate started pacing as her thoughts propelled her. "I went on a job interview in D.C., I lied to him…I really hurt him." She turned pleading eyes to Castle's mom. "And I didn't mean to. I just didn't know what to do or how to tell him without feeling like I was pressuring him. I didn't want him to feel like I was trying to force a commitment from him."

Martha arched one eyebrow and gave Kate a pointed good-natured glare. "If he has stuck with you through bombs and freezers and serial killers…do you honestly think an argument is going to make him leave you?" She rolled her eyes at Kate and said teasingly, "And you call yourself a detective."

"Thanks, Martha," Kate smiled in some relief, "I don't know what I would do without you."

"Right back at ya, Kiddo."

* * *

_All that I'm living for__  
__All that I'm dying for__  
__All that I can't ignore alone at night__  
__All that I'm wanted for__  
__Although I wanted more__  
__Lock the last open door_

_my ghosts are gaining on me_

_ ~ Evanescence_

_The murmur of voices seeped into his consciousness. What were they saying? He didn't try to move. His head felt heavy and his thoughts were foggy. He tried to take stock of his situation. His pain wasn't as bad as yesterday…but his mind was blurry…they must have drugged him. Had they moved him? What were they going to do to him? He could feel a cold rush as adrenalin coursed through his veins. _

_The voices were coming closer. There seemed to be more of them. Fear began to creep into his chest. He could feel his heart beginning to pound. He tried to swallow…Oh god…they have something down his throat….what are they going to do now!?_

_Suddenly, someone opened first one eye then the other…blinding him with a bright light…he couldn't see where he was…just the light. They started calling his name. He knew this part…they woke him up…turned on some lights…then the beatings…._

"He's responsive. Wake him up." _A man's voice…room spinning, he felt like he was falling._

_He could hear more voices now…and some whirring noises and beeps that didn't make sense. He felt hands grabbing him. No! No more beatings…no more torture! He'd rather die. He tried to open his eyes…but the room was spinning in white circles….faces passing by in a blur._

"Mr. Castle? Can you hear me? We need you to wake up now." The young respiratory therapist was calling to him.

He leaned over, got closer to the patient, and tried again. "Mr. Castle?"

_Castle opened his eyes just a crack. His vision was still blurry but he could see HIS shadow. Pain…gonna… hurt him… again. Rick was desperately trying to clear the clouds in his brain. He had to take this chance…drugged or not. Maybe he could take out one at least….said they were gonna kill him…HE was leaning down again…"_

_Rick reached up and grabbed his captor by the throat. He squeezed as hard as he could…but his grip was weak…he had to make it strong enough to kill him! _

_His kidnapper was struggling, trying to pull Rick's hand from his throat. Come on Castle! _

_He had to get out! He couldn't die here! His shoulder was on fire…the other one must be trying to stop him from killing his brother! He could feel his strength fading…he wasn't gonna make it…already he could feel his grip slipping…_

"Get him sedated now! He's fighting it."

"Wait" One of the team called out. "He's not fighting the vent…He's fighting you."

"Get the family over here. See if they can calm him down or we will have to put him back under."

_Noooo! They had his family! He tried again to tighten his grip but suddenly someone took his hand….a face floated above his head….His eyes grew wide trying to focus…_

"Richard…can you hear me? Sweetheart, it's time to wake up now.

_That wasn't HIS voice. That sounded like his mother!...Please god no! Not his Mother…she would never survive the beatings!_

"Dad?! Daddy? Wake up, Daddy. Please. You're in the hospital…It's ok."

_His eyes came into focus…at least enough to sort of make out the features of his Mother and his Daughter. Smiling at him….but there was something in their faces…wait…hospital?…was he? Was he out? Where was Kate? They said they were going after her next! Did they find her?_

_He frantically tried to say her name…ask where she was but he couldn't talk!….he tried to look around the room but he couldn't move his head much. His heart started pounding harder…did they get her too? Tears began running down his cheeks._

"Don't try to speak, Son." Martha squeezed his hand, trying to reassure him. Smiling into his eyes, hoping her fear wasn't showing.

"Blood pressure and heart rate are still rising," someone announced.

"Ms. Rodgers, we need to sedate him and try again tomorrow." The Respiratory therapist spoke gently.

"Wait…"

"Ma'am we don't need to wait…"

Martha turned to Kate, "Why aren't you up here? Come on Kiddo; see if you can get through to him!"

Martha and Alexis stepped aside and Kate was there in a heartbeat, touching his arm and leaning over so that he could see her. She flashed him her 1,000-watt smile… the one she saved only for him.

_Another face floated above him. He tried to see who…It was Kate. Kate was alive. Thank God. He stared into her eyes and knew everything was going to be ok._

The result was immediately noticeable by everyone in the room. The fight just went right out of him. His fists unclenched by his sides and his eyes, now much calmer, stared into those of his partner's.

Kate remembered the briefing they had gotten about waking him up. She needed to reassure him quickly.

"Hey, Blue Eyes." She smiled gently at him and touched his cheek with her fingertips. "Can you understand me?" His vitals were beginning to normalize.

_He managed a small nod of his head. The room spun like mad. He reached for her hand and held on as tight as he could. She was alive. He was alive._

"Rick, I need you to listen Babe. You are going to be fine. Everyone is fine, okay?

_He nodded, eyes still searching hers. The room spun again…his stomach lurched…no more nodding. He tried to tell her he loved her._

"Rick…you're on a ventilator…that's why you can't talk. It's been helping you breathe. They need to take you off the machine because you can breathe on your own now. Blink three times if you understand…can you do that?"

Blink. Blink. Blink. _No spinning…Rick decided that blinking is much better than nodding._

"Ok, listen to me Sweetheart…I'm going to move out of their way and you need to follow their instructions…we'll be able to talk after that if you feel like it." She started to pull her hand away.

_Rick tightened his grip. No! He didn't want her to go. He tried to tamp down on the rising fear at the idea of her letting go. If she let go, this might all go away…and then he wouldn't be ok anymore…she had to stay…she couldn't leave him…_

One of the respiratory therapists noticed Rick's anxiety and tapped Kate on the shoulder. She smiled, "You don't have to let go…if you can just scoot back a bit, we can work around you. She turned to her patient, "Will that be ok, Mr. Castle?"

Blink. Blink. Blink.

The therapist informed him what they were about to do. He blinked his understanding and the whole procedure was over in just a matter of moments. After making sure that he was breathing and getting enough oxygen on his own, the respiratory team finished up with their jobs and left.

"Mr. Castle. Hi, I'm Amy and I will be your nurse today. I'm going to need both your hands I'm afraid. Your family will be right over here on the sofa, okay? You can still see them and we can get you taken care of. Deal?"

_Rick nodded carefully. The spinning was better this time. The nurse reminded him of Snow White and her voice was too perky. Very irritating. Kate was moving away to hug his mom and Alexis. He felt dizzy and everything hurt._

The nursing staff was busily going through their routines, asking questions he could barely croak out answers to, changing bandages and taking his vitals. They drew blood and adjusted the meds in his IV. They also adjusted the bed so that he was sitting up a bit_. He felt like he was floating as the pain meds started kicking in from the IV drip. His vision was getting a little blurry but he was smiling at what he saw._

_Rick watched his family sitting on the sofa and smiling at him. He could tell they were eager for the nurses to leave so they could be with him. He was too. He swallowed. Damn! His throat hurt like hell. The room was still spinning, and he couldn't keep his eyes open and focused._

After making certain he was comfortable, Amy spent the next several minutes going over the instructions for his care with the three women. Finally, she gave a parting smile and left them alone.

As soon as Nurse Amy left, they all converged on the bed ready with smiles and greetings that died on their lips. Rick's eyes were closed and his breathing was deep and even.

"Well, crap!" exclaimed Alexis. She looked at the other women, "I really wanted to talk to him for just a minute." Tears of frustration and dismay welled up in her electric blue eyes.

"Yeah, I think we all did," Kate smiled tentatively at his disappointed daughter. "Don't worry, he'll wake up again soon and you'll get your chance."

"So much for a grand reunion," Martha quipped as she draped an arm around Alexis' shoulders.

Kate couldn't hide her disappointment that he was asleep, but as she took his hand she was just grateful he was alive. When it was all said and done, she hoped that he would be able to forgive her. For D.C., for lying, for almost getting him killed.

He was so good for her. Good _to_ her. And she knew she had hurt him badly._ That's all she ever seems to do, _she realized. Maybe the questions she should be asking herself were, _'Was she good for him?' 'Could she ever be good enough for Rick?'_

She didn't know, but she knew she desperately wanted to be. She had already lost so much, she wasn't sure she could survive losing him too. Kate prayed for his forgiveness but she was preparing herself for the worst.

* * *

_Should it hurt to love you?_

_Should I feel like I do?_

_Should I lock the last open door?_

_My ghosts are gaining on me._

_~Evanescence_

**A/N: I apologize for the length of this chapter! I couldn't find a good stopping point. ****I hope you enjoyed it. There is a very bumpy road ahead.**

**Please take** _**ten seconds**_** to let me know what you think? **

**If you are or have **_**ever**_** been an aspiring writer, you know how important reviews and comments are.**

**Don't make me beg! Because I will…it's really kinda sad. **** Have a great day!**


	3. Whisper

**A/N**: _Wow! What fabulous responses! I grin like an idiot when I read them. Thanks to all who have commented, followed & favorited (sp?) At this point in my life, you really have no idea what this means to me._

_I am also curious if anyone has gone to YouTube or wherever to listen to the songs that backdrop the chapters. Or if you have any thoughts on how the songs relate to the story. Thank you so much for reading._

Only Love Will Guide You Home

* * *

Chapter 3: Whisper

_Catch me as I fall  
Say you're here and it's all over now  
Speaking to the atmosphere  
No one's here and I fall into myself_

_This truth drives me into madness  
I know I can stop the pain  
If I will it all away  
If I will it all away_

_ ~ Evanescence_

_Sounds began to penetrate into his awareness first. Then smells. It smelled clean. Like chemicals. He lay absolutely still as he continued to wake up, taking in his surroundings. As the noises became discernible, he could tell from behind his lids that the room was light…not like in the storage unit… he recognized hospital noises and smells….he remembered flashes of faces: Mother, Alexis and Kate…they were alive….safe!_

_Rick bolted upright, his eyes blinking rapidly against the lights. Gulping in air as if he had been holding his breath. His eyes frantically searching the room to confirm what his other senses have been telling him. He's safe. He's safe._

_The searing heat was instant and quickly drove him back down to the pillows with a sharp cry of agony. His whole body felt like it had exploded in pain_.

Alexis jolted up and out of the chair next to his bed where she had been sitting since they woke him up the first time this morning.

"Daddy, you're awake," her voice was gentle yet excited. "The Doctors say you are going to be fine." She touched his cheek and spoke softly to him until he became fully aware of his surroundings. "Shhhh...you're ok. Everyone's ok."

His eyes crinkled at the corners as he took in her face, poring over her features. She looked so good. "Alexis! Oh my god…baby, come here." As he tried to lift his left arm to pull her in for a hug…he became aware of a large cast from his wrist to his elbow and his arm felt very weak. In fact, his whole body felt weak.

Alexis leaned all the way over and pressed her face to his before kissing his cheek several times. She was smiling from ear to ear. "Oh, Daddy, I'm so glad….so glad you're gonna be ok." She hugged him as tightly as she could without hurting him.

"I love you so much, Alexis. I am so proud of who you are…and you have no idea how happy I am to see you." He swallowed hard. His throat hurt and his voice was harsh and raspy, but his face was alive with joy and relief. "There are so many things I wanted to say to you before I…In case I…" Rick could feel tears filling his eyes as he looked upon his only child…someone he never wanted to take for granted again…"I never realized I needed to say them out loud to you…" his voice broke and he began crying silently behind closed eyes.

"It's ok Dad, you can tell me anytime from now on, ok? But right now you need to save your strength." Her eyes filled with tears at the sight of her 'Superhero' dad weak, vulnerable and crying. Resentment rose, adding his condition to her list of things that were Kate's fault.

"Don't settle, Alexis. Don't ever settle. Follow your heart…'till it bleeds if you have to…but chase what makes you happy."

She swatted her tears away, "I will, Daddy." She reached for a glass of water. "Here, they said you could have small sips at first." Alexis held the cup and straw in place so he could get a drink.

It was the best thing Rick had tasted since he was captured. Cool, clean and it felt wonderful on his throat. "Thank you," he managed to say after four small sips. He closed his eyes and let his head drop back to the pillow. "Wow," he managed to puff out. "I can't… I'm so tired…already." His voice started fading and his speech was slurring…but he knew what he wanted. "Alexis, where is Kate? When I wake up, I wanna see Kate too, ok?"

He heard his daughter say that she would go get Kate as the mist closed over him. He tried to stay above it, to wait for her, but eventually the pull of sleep was too strong for him to resist.

* * *

_Rick wasn't sure what woke him up, but some noise had slipped through his guard. He was instantly on alert. All of his senses reaching out to help him take stock of his situation before he revealed that he was awake. He was still in a bed…someone was gently holding his left hand…then he remembered, he was in the hospital. He was Ok. It was over._

Rick opened his eyes and found himself staring into the eyes of Kate Beckett. _She came back, she was real. He sighed inwardly, somewhere inside he had been afraid she wouldn't be._

"Hey, Babe." She ran her fingers through his hair and gave him _his_ smile. "How do you feel?"

"Better now." Speaking caused his throat to protest in pain. He moved so that he was holding her hand and was able to touch more of her skin. "I love you," he whispered, blinking back tears.

"I love you, too." She pressed a soft kiss against his chapped lips as her tears spilled over. She used her thumbs to chase away the tears as they rolled down his cheeks. "Are you in pain?" Her eyes flicked over to check his vitals. They seemed ok for now. Her eyes looked closely into his but couldn't see any signs of pain lurking there.

"Not too much." _He was actually surprised by that. His brow furrowed, wondering why that was. He would have thought that as many times as they had beaten the crap out of him he would hurt more than this._ "I feel awake, actually…like I could manage to string two thoughts together."

"The sedatives are probably clearing your system. You want some water? Or broth? They said you could try that if you're hungry."

"Both please." He smiled weakly at her.

Kate hit the call button and the intercom buzzed. She held the glass up for Rick to take a drink while she put in a request for beef broth over the intercom.

_He took several swallows. He hadn't realized how thirsty he was. His throat still hurt like hell, though._ He finished his drink and she put the cup away.

"I'm hungry. Can I have something to eat?" He toyed with her fingers, his intense gaze never leaving her face.

"I'll ask when they bring your broth," she smiled, sure that her melting heart was showing in her eyes. "I've missed you so much," she pressed another closed-mouth kiss to his lips. "You have no idea how much." _One more kiss…okay, maybe a few more_.

"Me too," he replied between kisses, "Oh god, Kate…I was so scared…I was afraid I would never see you or Mother or Alexis again." She could feel his body trembling underneath hers.

"Shhhh, it's ok, I'm here, Rick, it's ok." She held him as best she could, but it was awkward with him lying in the bed. "It's all over now. They can't hurt you anymore." After several moments, his breathing became calmer. Kate sat back a bit and waited…not sure what to say next.

Fortunately someone chose that time to bring in a tray with hot beef broth, Cherry Jell-O, and a pitcher of ice. Rick felt like he was starving. He hadn't eaten since lunch on the day he had been taken. He drank the broth first. The warm, salty liquid felt wonderful on his throat. He held each sip a moment, letting it soothe him. The Jell-O was soon gone and finally he put away the glass of ice water he had been sipping quietly. Even eating was a reminder of how ill he had been…eight ounces of broth and five one-inch squares of Jell-O had him feeling like he had eaten a full meal. He breathed deeply and felt a sharp pain. He fought the urge to cough. He needed information. He glanced up to find her watching him.

"Okay, let me have it." He dropped her gaze to examine what he could see of himself. "How long have I been out? How badly am I hurt?"

"Castle, are you sure you want _me_ to be the one to tell you all that? Your doctor…"

"Is a stranger," he finished for her. "I want to hear it from you."

_Rick was adjusting their hands so that their fingers interlaced and he almost missed the tremble that went through her at his request. He understood…telling him would be hard for her. But he knew she would give it to him straight, with no melodramatics…he didn't think he was ready for heavy emotional scenes at the moment like he might get from the Redheads._

How could she tell him that by recounting all of his injuries, it will be like reliving that weeklong nightmare? She already battled those demons everyday with flashbacks and dreams. How can she admit to him that _she _isterrified of reliving the Hell that he'd had to endure? "Rick, I um…I don't think I can…"

"Oh, c'mon Kate" He managed to rasp out gently, teasingly. "How bad can it be?"

How a grown man manages to pull off being whiney and arrogant at the same time, she didn't know, but she couldn't help but smile a little bit as she watched him.

"It's not like I'm missing any body parts," he tossed out a little too casually.

_Leave it to Rick to try to lighten the mood_.

"Yeah," Kate arched a single eyebrow and pointedly looked away. "About that…" She knew humor was his coping mechanism so if he was trying to laugh something off, she would play along.

His smile vanished. "I'm not missing any…parts… am I?" he asked. The feigned look of horror and dread on his face was comical.

She rolled her eyes and laughed softly at him when the bed wiggled as he double-checked his fingers and toes. She smiled and pretended not to notice him glancing under the covers as she sat on the bed beside him.

_He pretended not to notice her 'not noticing' him. Her smile drew an answering one of his own. Their gazes locked and after a moment, they both laughed quietly. He loved that she played along, that she understood his need to laugh, to settle his nerves before she gave him any bad news. She wasn't trembling anymore, so maybe it had been good for her too._

"Just your spleen," she told him with a small smile, bringing him back to the question at hand.

"What? That was my only one," he pouted dramatically.

"Well suck it up buttercup, I hear there is no donor list for spleens, so you're just gonna have to live without it." She grinned and her eyes twinkled as she patted his chest in playful sympathy.

_He captured her hand with both of his, holding it over his heart. She was his safety net. He knew that as long as he had her, everything would be all right. This woman had found her way behind his every defense. She had snuck in and filled all the empty spaces in him. Sometimes it terrified him, how much he needed her. He wondered if there were ever times when she needed him like that_.

"Babe, are you sure you want to do this now?" she brought his thoughts back to the here and now.

"No, I'm pretty sure I don't," he swallowed and winced. "But someone's gonna have to tell me and I really don't want to hear about it from someone else."

Seeing him wince, Kate passed him the water glass. Her hands were hovering in case he needed help, but she let him do what he could by himself.

She was worried about how much to tell him. She couldn't be sure about how much he remembered. And there was a good chance he could have a reaction to hearing details from those days. She decided to start with something easier than reliving his injuries. She put his water on the bedside table.

"You've been in the hospital for almost three weeks." There just wasn't an easy way to break that kind of news. She cringed inwardly at his stunned expression.

"Three weeks?" he whispered. _That was incomprehensible to him. How do you just lose three weeks of your life?_ "Why so long? What's wrong with me?" _He could feel fear creeping into his consciousness. Adrenalin hit his bloodstream._

"Nothing is wrong with you now, well, obviously there still is, but…" Kate sighed, nervously ran her hands through her hair and took a shuddering breath, trying to block the images of the things they had done to him. "This is hard for me too; Castle…just…bear with me, okay?"

Rick motioned for her to take his hands. _Once he was touching her, he felt better…calmer. _"Sure, take your time, Kate." _It felt good to say her name aloud_.

_That thought triggered a waterfall of memories. Times he had woken up screaming her name…times he had fallen asleep with his blood and her name on his lips. Times he passed out believing he would not wake up to say it again. _

_He pushed back hard against the fear and memories…he was out, he was alive. He was staring at their hands, but not really seeing them. He could feel a rising need to crawl inside himself and hide…to block it all out. She was speaking…he forced himself to focus on her._

'_He really did have one hell of a poker face'_, she thought. She could sense the rising anxiety in him; his attention became distracted and forced, his breathing became quick and shallow. It was subtle enough that most people might not have noticed it. Apparently, she wasn't the only one who played things close to the vest. He was trying though…trying to act normal. Once again, she followed his lead.

"Ok, what do you want to know first?" she squeezed his hands and looked him in the eyes. "But start easy…we don't have to do it all right now," she reminded him gently.

He thought for a moment, "Where am I? What day is it?" _Those sounded like good places to start._

"Today is Friday, June 7th…"

She saw another twinkle suddenly appear in his eyes…he started to speak but she laughed and covered his mouth with her fingers. She knew what he was about to say.

_He knew what she was going to say…he just needed to see her smile…maybe laugh a little…As long as Kate Beckett was smiling and laughing…everything was all right._

"It's still 2013, Castle". Still smiling, she rolled her eyes and then looked briefly at her watch, "its 2:37 in the afternoon. You're in the Trauma/ ICU at New York Presbyterian Lower Manhattan Hospital."

"_Three weeks?"_ he asked again. _It was all kind of overwhelming. He was still having trouble wrapping his mind around it. _

"Almost," she confirmed. "You've been here nineteen days. Your injuries were very serious…combined, they had the potential to be life threatening." The fingers that had covered his lips were now gently playing in his hair. "You came down with pneumonia…it was touch and go for about a week… "

She had to stop and swallow back the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. It was like that every time it hit her how close to death he really had been. "It's been a pretty long recovery," she continued. "The doctors say it took longer because your body was trying to heal a lot of things at once. But you are _much_ better now." She flashed a watery grin at him, blinking back tears.

She playfully patted his cheek, "and the silver lining in all this is...because you were out so long, all your other injuries are healed or healing. So you basically slept through the most painful part of your recovery. Physically all that's basically left is to finish healing and build up your strength and endurance." She took a chance, "Mentally, emotionally…who knows…We'll just have to find our way."

Rick moved a bit until he could reach the controls for his bed. He pushed a button and raised the head of the bed up as far as it would go_. It didn't hurt as bad as he thought it would. _

Kate had gotten to her feet when he began raising the bed. She wasn't sure why he was suddenly adjusting it, but he seemed determined, so she started to step aside.

Rick managed to keep a grip on her. When he was sitting up as straight as he could, his eyes searched her face. _He needed to hold her_.

"Kate, let me hold you." He tugged her hand gently.

She came willingly.

_They held one another silently, closing their eyes in relief. Both of them needing the familiar comfort of each others' embrace._

* * *

There was a light tap on the glass door. "Good Afternoon, Mr. Castle…I'm Dr. Edwards." His deep baritone voice interrupted their moment.

"I ran into your family in the hallway. Your Mother tells me she thinks you 're awake," his voice stopped abruptly, he chuckled aloud as the couple pulled apart. He gave them a pleased smile, "Wow…yes…I can see that you are."

Kate let Rick hold on to her, taking some of his weight to help gently lower him back on to the mattress.

The Doctor made a sweeping gesture toward Rick with his arm and said, "Look at you, sitting up on your first day off the machines and already making time with a beautiful woman." He was older, with jet-black hair that was now graying handsomely. He kept it cut short, a little longer than a cop or a soldier might wear it.

No one but Kate noticed Rick's whole body freeze when the doctor spoke, she felt him flinch when Dr. Edwards' hand swung in his direction.

The doctor smiled over his shoulder at Rick as he used the wall-mounted hand sanitizer, "That officially makes you the healthiest patient on the trauma floor."

As Dr. Edwards had been speaking, Martha and Alexis had come in and made their way to Rick's bedside. Rick's nurse and an aide soon came in, standing aside to give the family a moment together.

Looking at the new arrivals, Dr. Edwards said, "I know you two just got here, so I'll give you just a minute to see him. Then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you all to step outside so I can examine Mr. Castle. I'll send for you when we're done and we can discuss our treatment plans moving forward. We shouldn't be too long."

He seemed to have a very affable manner. Natural and friendly, the kind of person that puts people at ease immediately. He stepped to the far side of the room to give the family more room to reach their loved one.

Martha and Alexis each took turns leaning in to kiss him. They each assured him that they would be just outside the door.

No one but Kate seemed to notice that Rick was not participating in the flurry of activity that surrounded him.

Alexis and Martha were hugging and touching him, but his left hand was in a fist by his side and his right hand had Kate's wrist in a vice like grip. He hadn't spoken. His eyes were glassy and having trouble focusing. His entire body was rigid with tension and he was hanging on to her like a lifeline.

She did not intend for his daughter to watch him if he had a PTSD meltdown. "Dr. Edwards, if you will, wait right there for just a second, I need to speak with you privately." She held out her hand to indicate that she meant to _literally_ wait right there. He noted the sudden tone of authority her voice had taken on and he wondered what was wrong. His gaze went from her to his patient. His bright green eyes took in what Kate had already noticed.

She turned to face Rick's mom, "Martha, I need you to do something for us." Her tone was pleasant and her polite smile belied her inner tension. "There is a coffee kiosk at the North entrance of the hospital that makes great lattes. If you and Alexis would go get us each one while I talk to the doctor…that would be really great."

Martha could hear the urgency in Kate's voice. She wasn't sure why she would need to talk to the doctor so badly that it got her this upset, but she knew better than to waste time asking why. She ushered Alexis out in front of her, glancing back to give Kate a worried look before they left.

"PTSD?" Dr. Edwards asked as soon as the others left.

"Probably."

"What can I do?"

"Honestly? Step outside until I can get through to him." She was already dismissing him from her mind as she turned her attention to Rick.

The doctor stopped at the door. "Mr. Castle, I'm leaving the room now. But I'm here to help you if you'll allow it." He informed Kate that he would be in the hallway. Not expecting a response, he stepped out of the room closing the curtain behind him.

* * *

_Don't turn away  
(Don't give in to the pain)  
Don't try to hide  
(Though they're screaming your name)_

_Don't close your eyes_

_(God knows what lies behind them)_

_Don't turn out the light_

_(Never sleep, never die)_

_ ~Evanescence_

She spoke softly and began rubbing the hand that was nearly crushing her wrist. "Rick, it's just you and me. Everything's ok, take my hands, Baby. Good…good…do you feel my hands? Hey…can you look at me? Everything is fine, I promise. Good. Sweetheart…keep looking at me. No one is going to hurt you anymore. I promise…now, deep breaths…in…..out….again…good job."

It took a while but he slowly came back to himself. She maintained the physical contact that seemed to sooth him. She kept up a running litany of encouragement and reassurance until his eyes could focus on her and he could respond to her.

It took a few more minutes of soothing him before she could feel some tension leaving his body. He was better…but still visibly shaken.

"Are you okay?" _Stupid question! Of course he's not okay._

He managed a slight nod. "Can I have some water, please?"

"Sure." Kate quickly filled his cup with fresh water and held the straw so he could drink. He was still a little unsteady and she didn't want him to spill it on himself.

When he was finished she put the cup aside and took his hands. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked gently.

"No."

"Okay. That's fine," she assured him. "You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable." He hadn't looked at her since before he asked for water and she wondered why. "I love you, Rick." She squeezed his hands, "Nothing's going to change that. You're gonna get through this. You've got to believe that."

"Is this what it's like for you?" _He had to know if this was normal or if he was losing his mind. Because right now he really thought he might be._

"I get scared for no reason sometimes. Sometimes it's a noise or a smell or just a random thought can trigger a panic attack for me." And nightmares. But she couldn't tell him about those yet.

"It was his voice…and…then he swung his arm and all I could see was those two guys hitting and kicking me and…I could hear you talking to me, but I couldn't respond…I just couldn't quit seeing those images…" He took in a deep, shaky breath and blew it out. "I'm sorry, Kate."

"No…you don't get to be sorry. None of this is your fault. And your reactions are completely normal and justified under the circumstances." She stood and gently kissed him on his forehead.

_Her matter-of-fact tone actually made him feel better. He knew she understood how awful panic attacks and flashbacks were. The fact that she wasn't making a big deal about his episode made the whole thing less embarrassing._

"Do you think you could try seeing Dr. Edwards again?"

_He could feel himself tensing at the suggestion. Everything in him was screaming that it was a bad idea._

Sensing his resistance to the idea she quickly offered, "How about if we all stay in here while he examines you. You won't have to be alone with him and I'll ask him to keep touching to a minimum."

After a considering for a moment he said, "I think I like that idea better." _He would try again. The idea of living in fear for the foreseeable future was terrible to him. He had always embraced life with joy. He knew he couldn't run or hide from this. So it was time to man up, for himself, for Kate and for his family. _

They talked over their plan and Kate stepped outside to send in the Redheads so she could talk to Dr. Edwards.

* * *

"Oh, my dear sweet boy, I am so happy that you're alright. " Martha kissed his cheek until he laughed at her exuberance.

"Thank you, Mother. I'm just glad to see you again." He held her hand tightly in his own. _He looked deeply into her beautiful blue eyes, so she could see how much she meant to him_. "I know I don't tell you very often, but I love you, Mom. The way you worked and sacrificed so that we could have a good life. No child could ever ask for more. You made sure life was fun even…no…_especially_…when it was hard." He grinned as he watched his mother tear up_. She rarely cried…but these were happy tears, so he pulled her down to hug her. _Alexis stepped up and the Castle family shared a long overdue reunion.

* * *

Kate and the Dr. talked for a bit and agreed on a plan. Kate would stay at the head of the bed to be near Rick and he would start off at the foot. Keeping the bed between them would hopefully make Rick a little more comfortable…they would move slowly getting his permission at every step…stopping for a bit if it became too much. They agreed to let Nurse Amy do as much of the physical contact as possible.

Kate stepped back into the room to run the idea by Rick. He agreed but wanted Martha and Alexis to wait outside.

Alexis contested the idea immediately. "Dad, I want to stay. I want to help you, too."

Rick smiled at Alexis, "I appreciate it, Pumpkin, I really do…but there are some things a man's mother and daughter shouldn't see." He gave her a pointed look.

"C'mon, Kiddo. He's right you know, some things you simply cannot un-see…Trust me on this one." Martha said with a smirk as she stepped out into the hallway.

Alexis didn't need to be told twice.

* * *

_I'm frightened by what I see,_

_But somehow I know_

_That there's much more to come._

_Immobilized by my fear_

_And soon to be_

_Blinded by tears._

_I can stop the pain_

_If I will it all away._

_If I will it all away._

_ ~ Evanescence _

Kate and the nurse entered the room first. Kate went directly to Rick's side and took his right hand. "Ok, babe, Dr. Edwards is coming in now. I want you to focus on the fact that you are completely safe here and safe with him ok?"

At his nod, she called for the doctor.

Nick Edwards walked slowly and carefully into the room, speaking softly. "Hi Mr. Castle. May I call you Rick or do you prefer Mr. Castle?

_Rick could feel his heart pounding as the large man entered the room. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Unconsciously he tightened his grip on Kate's hand. Immediately she started reminding him that he was safe. He knew that it was true at some level of his being, but there was that part of him that was screaming that this would end badly._

Kate's heart was breaking. She hated herself for what had happened. But she owed it to him to help him recover as fully as possible. "Babe, will you tell the doc what name you want him to call you?"

_He managed to focus on what she was saying enough to answer,_ "Rick is fine."

"Thank You, Rick." Nick replied. "First, I want you to know that I am amazed at your recovery so far. You are doing great for your first day off the ventilator."

_Rick nodded. He was glad the guy was taking the time to talk to him first. The longer he spoke the less nervous his voice made him. It didn't hurt that Kate was still stroking his hand gently._

The doctor continued speaking, "I also want you to know that I have a good bit of experience with PTSD…both personally and professionally. I promise you, you are safe with me. But if you prefer, we have a female trauma specialist in our group whom we can assign to you." He saw the idea of a female doctor seemed to perk him up a bit. "Be warned, she looks a bit like a Troll," he said with a grin, "But you don't have to decide right away."

Kate could feel the tension leaving Rick's body the longer Dr. Edwards spoke. He was really trying to create a connection with Castle; One she knew was necessary to make Rick feel safe. She admired his skill and dedication. This was going to be time consuming and she knew he must have other patients to see but he didn't seem to be in any hurry.

"I need to check your chart for a moment. Would it be ok if I touched your foot while I do that? It won't take long and if it bothers you I _will_ stop," He assured him. "I take my vow to do no harm very seriously."

"Kate…"

"Don't worry. If he makes one wrong move I'll shoot him, okay?"

At Castle's nod Dr. Edwards gently placed his hand over Rick's left foot that was covered by a blanket. He began reading over the chart, giving his patient some time to get used to his touch.

He handed the chart to the nurse and turned back to Rick. "Okay, everything is looking good according to your chart. How do you feel, Rick?" He wanted his patient to speak to him directly as much as possible to alleviate his reaction to his voice. It would also keep him focused on the present more if he had to think to respond.

"Weak, stiff…and sore from my knees to my shoulders," _Rick struggled to keep his voice from shaking as he answered._

Dr. Edwards gave him a sympathetic smile, "Considering the amount of damage that area sustained, that's to be expected at this point. But with physical therapy and some more time you should recover fully."

_He couldn't help it…he needed to know how badly he had been injured_. "What were my injuries? What exactly am I recovering from?"

Very matter-of-factly the Dr. gave him the laundry list of the injuries he came in with. _After listening silently, Rick could hardly believe he had survived at all. Internal bruising, knife wounds, eight broken ribs, a collapsed lung, nasty bullet grazes on his left hip and right thigh. Another bullet went through his right shoulder_._ Oh…and pneumonia…can't forget that. Taser and stun gun burns, broken Radius and Ulna bones that had to be re-broken before they could be set. And the last shot…the one he knew was going to kill him…had instead grazed his forehead, causing a pretty severe concussion and slight swelling in his brain. _

_He realized he should be dead. That thought scared the shit out of him. _

_He had come to realized while they were holding him that he wasn't getting out alive. He had hoped that Kate and the boys would find him, but after the third day, he even gave up that idea. He couldn't even save himself in the end and he felt a deep sense of shame about that. How could he expect to protect his family? What a failure he must seem like to them-_

Kate could feel his rising tension and signaled to the doctor to stop. "Rick…Baby…hey…It's ok. Remember, you survived. You lived! I know it's a lot to take in…but you're safe."

He squeezed her hand and nodded, "I know, I'm lucky to be alive." _Luck, a random happenstance, had saved him, he thought, while he had been helpless the whole time. He just felt ….ineffectual. Emasculated._

"Rick, I need to put my hands against the bottom of your feet and have you push and pull against me. Is it ok if I do that?" The doctor asked permission at every step, to lift the blanket off his feet, to lift up the blanket on his sides to check his injuries. At every step he waited until permission was given. He wanted Rick to know that everything was at his pace. He asked Rick easy, direct questions and waited patiently for him to answer.

And so it went for the next while…inch by inch making some progress, taking breaks. Reminding Rick to breathe and focus on being safe. The only real trouble came when Dr. Edwards reached for the part of the blanket that covered Rick's chest.

He had asked him if he could remove the blanket and Rick had agreed, but as soon as the doctor leaned across him and his hands reached for the corners, Rick exploded.

He brought his cast up hard against the man's jaw, which made him lose his balance and he fell across the hospital bed. Rick screamed in pain and rage, he began raining down blows on the man's head and ribs…wherever he could reach.

Kate had never seen Rick like this, he was punching and kneeing the doctor, cursing and screaming threats of retribution. Kate threw herself between Castle and Dr. Edwards.

He was trying his best to keep his weight off Rick while absorbing blows. The nurse was able to pull the doctor back out of range as Kate continued deflecting Castle's weakening punches.

"Rick you have to stop! You're going to hurt yourself…shhh…it's ok….it was just a flashback. It's not real." She was gently stroking his jaw, running her thumb over his lips and whispering softly to him. "Everything is ok…those men aren't here and they can't hurt you."

He was calming down but his eyes were still a bit far off when he finally turned to look at her. He pushed back from her suddenly, with an odd look on his face. Without warning his eyes rolled back in his head. He collapsed heavily onto the mattress as he blacked out.

* * *

**A/N: ** Any helpful tips or critiques on style are always welcome. Maybe it's just me but I'm having trouble picking up the plot pace. Heading for chpt. 4 and it is still Friday…lol. I promise we will have some time warps. More trouble ahead. It will get much, much worse before it gets better. Please leave a review & let me know what you think? Thanks and have a great whatever it is that you have. ~RNB


	4. Whisper--(part two)

**A/N:** Thanks to all who have read & reviewed, followed or favorited. It means a lot.

Thanks to Beverly...my friend, co-worker and awesome English teacher….for editing and proof-reading my chapters. (And for some pretty good ideas, too!) Any mistakes are my own.

*to the 'Guest' reviewer who hears the music and leaves the most awesome reviews….you know who you are….thanks.

* * *

Only Love Will Guide You Home

Chapter 4: Whisper—part two

* * *

_Don't turn away  
(Don't give in to the pain)  
Don't try to hide  
(Though they're screaming your name)_

_Don't close your eyes_

_(God knows what lies behind them)_

_Don't turn out the light_

_(Never sleep, never die)_

_ ~Evanescence_

As soon as he saw that his patient had passed out, the doctor brushed off Amy's efforts to tend to him and rushed to Rick's bedside. He quickly pulled off the linens, concerned he may have re-injured himself. He began calling out orders softly but with a genuine sense of urgency. Amy sprang into action like the highly trained trauma nurse she was. They rolled him over on each side to check that no stitches had come open. He listened to Rick's heart and lungs and seemed satisfied with what he heard. Dr. Edwards pulled a light from his pocket and very quickly checked pupil dilation. Everything looked good so far. He started issuing instructions to Amy as he hurried to finish the exam before Mr. Castle woke up.

He turned to Kate, "He doesn't seem to have hurt himself, so that is very good news. However, I imagine he will be sore when he wakes up." His green eyes were compassionate as he reached out to gently squeeze her shoulder, "Physically he's going to be fine, Detective…but I would make sure he gets in therapy sooner rather than later. If you like, I can see if we have a female therapist we can send up to talk to him."

Kate was used to situations turning dangerous in the blink of an eye…but she was still shaken from watching Rick lose it like that...It upset her more than she was comfortable admitting. "Um…yeah…no…I'll call my therapist and see if he knows someone Rick could see long-term, but thanks for the offer." She looked at the doctor more closely. She saw his right cheek was beginning to swell and there appeared to be some blood on his lips and nose. "Are you okay?"

He shrugged off her concern. "I've had worse sparring with my son. Thankfully, your partner is fairly weak at the moment or it would have been a lot worse." Dr. Edwards smiled at her. "He's a pretty big guy…I don't think I would want to get on his bad side."

Kate smiled at that. "No, he's usually a big teddy bear." Her smiled faltered a bit, "Or at least he was…I mean, I've seen him in action on the job, yeah…but never anything like what just happened a few minutes ago."

"Give it some time, some therapy…lots of support…he should be ok."

They stepped outside to include Martha and Alexis on the plans for Rick's recovery. They would be moving him to a private room tomorrow at which time they would remove his catheter. He gave approval for real food and coffee starting in the morning. The oxygen cannula and the IV would have to remain for a while. Mild physical therapy would start on Monday. "Once he's been moved, he needs to start trying to stand and walk short distances. Just standing by his bed or going to the bathroom will probably be about all that he can do for now. And he will have to have help available when he does. He can have a shower when he gets to his room. The nurses can wrap up his cast so he can sit in the shower chair. I'm sure that will make him feel better." After a few more instructions, the usual pleasantries and the doctor left, assuring them he would see them on Monday.

Castle woke up with a jolt. Amy, the day nurse, was the only other person in the room. "Is he okay?" he asked after a moment. _His head was heavy and pounding slightly. He felt like such an idiot! _

Amy looked up in surprise, but she was smiling easily. "He's fine…trust me…he will be bragging about that shiner for a week."

_Rick grimaced. He had had no control over himself earlier and that scared the shit out of him. What if that had been Kate? Or Alexis? Or worse yet, his mother? He could have really hurt her at her age. Was this going to be his life now?! How in the Holy Hell did Kate live with this? He had always had impulse control issues…but this was a whole new scale of 'Impulse Control' issues. How do you control something that snatches you up and takes over before you have the first rational thought?!_

"Mr. Castle…don't worry…Dr. Edwards is fine…and everyone here knows that you've been through so much more than we can possibly understand…" She flashed her quirky grin, "PTSD is a tricky bitch…you have to expect some sucker punches every once in a while. Now then, do you need anything before I let your family back in?"

_Rick thought for a moment….the only thing he really wanted was outside in the hallway….but, he thought with a grin, there was one thing he really wanted to do. He shot the nurse a quick smile and said_, "Well, now that you mention it—"

* * *

Alexis, Martha and Kate sipped their coffee and waited near his door. An aide had just left, promising that Amy would be out in a few minutes and then they could go back in.

Alexis thanked her and leaned against the wall. Wow. This was not at all how she imagined her dad waking up would be. Kate had told them about her Dad's flashback and him punching the doctor. She couldn't believe it, this was not the man who had raised her, and he didn't act like that. But she had seen the results for herself, in Dr. Edwards' rapidly swelling cheek and the black-eye that was becoming increasingly evident. PTSD as a recovery hurdle hadn't occurred to her…she understood now why Kate was so worried about not stressing her dad out. She hated to admit it…but Kate was right….again.

_Had PTSD even occurred to Kate,_ she wondered. Probably. She knew the detective dealt with it off and on since her shooting a couple of years ago. She remembered how heartbroken her dad had been when she shut him out during her recovery. She watched the life drain out of his eyes a little bit more every week she didn't call. He refused to talk about it then, but he drank more and joked less. She hoped Kate would stick around this time. Not that _SHE_ wanted Kate to stay…no, that wasn't it…but she couldn't deny that Kate was good for him right now.

No one could deny it after having witnessed how quickly he calmed down the minute he saw her this morning…She knew how much her dad needed Kate…Alexis was really worried that Kate would leave him while he was weak and didn't have the strength to stop her…but then again…she was worried about her staying, too. _What if she stayed…then this could happen again, to her dad or to Kate! _Alexis was pretty sure her father would never recover if Beckett were killed. _So instead_, she thought, _he follows her around, putting himself in danger. As if somehow HE can protect her. With what? His witty one-liners?_

It pissed her off that he was willing to sacrifice _HIS _life for Kate's. _What about me_, she wanted to scream, _it's like it doesn't occur to him how screwed up she would be if he died._ Alexis knew it was up to her to protect her dad from Kate Beckett. He's always had a blind spot when it comes to the beautiful Detective. She would watch her more closely, she decided…try to figure out her intentions.

The nurse was telling them they could see him again and Alexis followed the other two women back inside his room. She felt better now that she had a plan and a place to start.

* * *

They had been back in his room for about thirty minutes when there was a knock on the door. Immediately, Kate was on guard. She knew that in order to make it to his room the officers stationed outside would have checked any visitors against the approved list. Still…she went to the door to see who it was.

"Hello, Captain." She could tell this was not just a courtesy call.

"Good Afternoon, Detective. Have I come at a bad time?"

"No, Sir, he's awake at the moment…but I can't promise how long he'll stay that way. He gets tired easily."

"Well, I won't stay long."

Kate moved back to allow room for Captain Gates to step inside. A quick glance told her he had dozed off again and the Redheads were talking quietly on the sofa.

"Rick, you have a visitor," she gently touched his leg, "Captain Gates is here to see you."

Rick's eyes flew open when she touched him and for just a few seconds his whole body tensed.

"Hey, Babe…do you feel like talking to the Captain for a minute?" She took his hand and held it between hers…her thumb unconsciously rubbing circles on the back of his hand. "You can talk to her tomorrow if you're too tired."

"No, I'm ok I think," he agreed, his voice husky from exhaustion.

Victoria Gates moved farther into the room. A genuine smile of relief broke across her face as she addressed Rick, "Mr. Castle, I am _very, very,_ glad to see you."

Hugs and pleasantries were exchanged. Then Captain Gates clasped her hands together and sighed audibly, "Martha, Alexis…as much as I am here as a friend and co-worker, this is still an open investigation and I need to ask Rick a few questions."

"Say no more, Captain," Martha said with a smile. "C'mon Kiddo, let's go get some celebratory ice cream."

"Actually, Grams, I'd like to stay." The last part was directed to Gates.

"Alexis, I understand how you feel, but I cannot allow you to be present for this."

"He's my Father and I have a right to know what's going on." _Besides, she needs to know what Kate knows. 'Know thine enemy', _she thought.

Victoria stiffened her frame and pulled herself to her full height. Granted, it wasn't much, but she knew her will made her an imposing figure. "Miss Castle, I assure you I will tell you everything I can, _when_ I can. However, this issue is non-negotiable." She backed up her stern words with a reassuring smile, "But I hope to have good news for you soon."

Alexis knew when to retreat. "Yes, ma'am." She turned to join her Grandmother, albeit reluctantly, shutting the door behind her.

Victoria moved to the opposite side of the bed from Kate and pulled up a chair. "Mr. Castle…Rick," she amended. "First, let me say that I am so happy that you are back with us. Everyone has been very worried about you." She smiled brightly and added, "Even I have missed you at work, and I've been praying for you every day." Then she leaned in and her expression turned solemn, "I also want you to know that we are doing everything within our power to catch the men responsible."

"What do you mean catch them?" _They were still out there. Cold spread rapidly throughout his body and he could feel his heart beat increasing. He worked hard to keep the panic out of his voice._ "Do you have any leads?"

"We found the car they pushed you out of. It was stolen and wiped clean. We're checking for footage of the theft and we're trying to back trace their communications. I'm afraid it's not much to go on." Gates looked apologetically at Beckett and Castle. "I was hoping you might know something we can use."

Castle swallowed hard and Kate handed him his water-glass. He took several sips so he could speak normally. The adrenaline coursing through his body was making his mouth dry. _They knew where he lived, the names of his family, Ryan, Espo, Lanie, Gina and Kate. And they were on the loose._

Fiercely blue eyes met the Captain's gaze. "I know who they are."

Gates couldn't hide her shock. "Give me their names."

He closed his eyes against the memories, "Michael and Shane Ferguson."

* * *

Hearing those names, Kate's mind immediately flew back to the Ferguson case.

_It happened about four months ago. It was a domestic disturbance that ended with Wayne Ferguson killing his wife in front of their sons, Mick and Shane. Shane, the youngest had called 911. Kate and her team had arrived to find Wayne refusing to come out or put down his weapon. He kept screaming that he would rather die than go to jail. After a brief but tense conversation, it was clear to everyone that Wayne intended to commit 'suicide by cop'. Trouble was Wayne Ferguson WAS_ _a cop. He had been on the job Twenty-five years as an NYPD officer. One look at Espo and Ryan told her they all had no doubt he was serious about not being taken alive. Even Castle had looked sure._

_Kate had been trying once again to convince him to surrender peacefully when he demanded she come out from behind the wall. He demanded they talk face to face. 'Come out here where I can see you, Detective!'_

'_C'mon, Wayne. Is this how you want your kids to remember you? Think about them. Don't put them through this. Please, put down the gun so I can help you.' She listened intently for a reply. Suddenly there was a surprised cry and some scuffling noises._

'_I don't have anything to lose, Detective! I swear I'll kill him, too!'_

_Kate stepped around the corner, gun pointed straight at Wayne. 'Let him go. You don't want to do this, Officer Ferguson.'_

_Just as the guys stuck their heads around the corner, Ferguson shoved Shane away and pointed his weapon at Beckett._

_Kate recalled that it all seemed to happen in slow motion from that point on. She could see the flash of relief in his eyes as he pointed his gun at her. She remembered noting his finger wasn't even on the trigger when he raised his service piece. She fired just right of center mass. He stumbled back as the round hit him on his left side. He slid down the wall, still holding his gun. He looked shocked and out of options._

_Kate could see the decision he was about to make the minute he realized she hadn't killed him. Before anyone could speak or act, he raised the barrel to his right temple and fired._

_They were all on desk duty for a week until they were cleared by IAB. Legally they were in the clear, but they were all affected by that case for several weeks. She was pretty sure it wasn't just her and Rick having nightmares. Kevin and Javi looked like shit for the next couple of weeks, as well. None of them slept particularly well._

_Kate only ever met the boys briefly, but her heart went out to them at the time. They were the true victims in this. She knew how hard it was to lose one parent…but both in one night? Witnessing their mom's murder, their dad's insanity and subsequent suicide. She remembered wondering at the time how the boys would ever come back from this._

_Now she knew the answer. They didn't._

* * *

Kate brought her attention back to Gates and Castle. He was trying to remember anything he could that would help.

"I think they were holding me in a storage unit. They didn't try to hide their faces or names from me and they didn't cover my eyes to hide our destination." His face scrunched slightly as he tried to think back to the night he was taken. "They kept tazing me…so I wasn't awake for the whole trip….but I remember going over the bridge into Jersey and I remember seeing the number 1111 on the storage room door."

"Was it a roll-up door or a regular door," Gates prodded.

"Like a garage door."

"Did you see a name, or a color scheme?"

"The door was orange, the walls were white." He could feel himself shutting down, probably a reaction to the adrenaline dump from a few minutes ago. "They mentioned the furniture was their Grandmother's. Smelled like old people," he muttered. His words were slurring and his eyes were drifting shut.

Captain Gates gently placed her hand on top of his, "Thank you, Rick. Get some rest." But Rick didn't hear her, he was already asleep.

She smiled gently at Kate. "He can give a full statement when he feels up to it."

"Thank You, Sir."

"Of course," she said, waving off her thanks as unnecessary. "How is he doing, Kate?"

Kate filled her in on his condition. Of course she left out the emotional fallout he was dealing with. But Gates wasn't a rookie; she would know that was part of it.

They were discussing Castle's upcoming physical therapy when there was a light tap at the door. Martha's head soon appeared, "Are we too early?"

Captain Gates stood immediately. "Perfect timing, Martha."

"Yes well, I was always good at hitting my cues," she quipped.

Victoria liked Martha and laughed at her snappy come-back, "I need to get back to the precinct. But I'll drop by again soon," she promised. "Detective Beckett, would you walk me out, please?" With a nod to Castle's family, she took a few steps down the hall and quickly texted the new leads to Esposito and Ryan. By the time she finished, Kate was hovering nearby.

She smiled at her exhausted colleague and motioned for her to follow. "Let's take a walk."

Neither one spoke until they reached the coffee vendor. Gates bought a regular for herself and a decaf for Kate then she led them over to a private seating area. Once they were comfortable in adjacent stuffed chairs and had taken the first fortifying sips of their drinks, Victoria finally broke the silence.

"How are you holding up?"

Kate looked her in the eyes and lied, "I'm doing okay." She almost laughed at the look of patent disbelief on her captain's face. Except she knew better.

"How are you sleeping?" The look on the older woman's face said don't bother lying.

"Not great," Kate admitted after a long moment. "Mostly in two or three-hour stretches."

"That can't continue," she cautioned her gently. "Kate, you've been through so much, your body and mind need to rest…to heal."

"No Sir, I need to be with Castle. He's the only one who matters right now. What I went through is nothing compared to what he had to endure." Beckett's body was taut with tension but her voice was barely above a whisper. "So I'm here 'till the wheels fall off." She took another sip of her coffee, regained her composure and tried to be reassuring. "Captain, you don't have to worry about me, I'm fine."

Vicky was beginning to wonder if Shakespeare was on to something when he named his exasperating, stubborn, deeply sensitive shrew. She moved to the edge of her chair and leaned in close to Kate.

"Katherine Beckett, you have had the man you love, your partner…in every aspect of your life, taken from you." She placed a caring hand on Kate's knee. She was concerned for the woman, not the cop.

"He was tortured and beaten everyday…sometimes twice a day for six days…and you were forced to watch it 'live' every time. And when you weren't watching that, you were chasing down non-existent leads non-stop. Terrified the whole time, knowing we had no idea where he was and no way to stop it."

Kate angrily shoved the captain's hand off her knee, here next words were terse. "Captain! Please! I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine. I promise."

"No, you're not," Gates argued, "and what's worse is that you can't see it. You watched them shoot him in the head. You _thought_ you watched him die. I know you. You're blaming yourself and the guilt is eating away at you." She reached for Kate again, but she scooted further back in her chair.

She could tell that Kate was crawling back inside her shell. A survival mechanism to protect her fragile emotions. The stubborn woman was convinced she could just will all of this away on her own. The only flaw in Kate's plan was Gates. She intended to help Kate whether she wanted it or not.

"Since he's been back, you've spent almost every waking hour at his side, watching him fight for his life…practically willing him to live. You're physically and emotionally spent, Kate. And on top of all that, you're still recovering from a miscarriage." She huffed out an exasperated sigh, "Sweetheart, you're nowhere close to _fine_."

Captain Gates stood, indicating their talk was coming to an end. "I won't clear you for duty until you pass a medical and psychological exam." She cut Beckett off before she could respond. "No arguments, Detective. Consider this an order. It really is for your own good," she finished kindly before stepping away to hail a cab. Suddenly she felt the need to be in the arms of her own husband.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for sticking with me. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It's shorter than the others, but it was a good place to stop. I got very few reviews on the last chapter so I just wanted to say thanks to those who took the time...but seriously...if you didn't like it...I'm always open to constructive criticism. Any review motivates me. :)**


	5. Whisper--(part three)

A/N: I am so sorry for the tardiness of this update. October is hard for me...and this one has been particularly difficult. See my profile if you're curious.

Thank you all for your patience, I hope the wait was worth it.

Thank you so much for the awesome responses. Getting close to 100 follows. Now if more of those people would just leave a comment. LOL . Positive or negative, I consider the validity of each one. I deeply appreciate anyone who takes the time to review.

DISCLAIMER: Marlow owns his stuff, I own mine.

*To Layla—I understand your frustration…and I agree…it is a lot, but it is absolutely essential to the story line in later chapters. I hope you stick with me and I hope you will be happy with the ending. Sometimes the tree of happiness must first be watered with the tears of suffering.

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Only Love Will Guide You Home

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Chapter 5: Whisper—part three

_Fallen angels at my feet  
Whispered voices at my ear  
Death before my eyes  
Lying next to me, I fear_

_She beckons me, shall I give in?  
Upon my end, shall I begin?  
Forsaking all I've fallen for  
I rise to meet the end_

_ ~ Evanescence_

Kate was sitting in a waiting area near his room, nervously tapping her foot and gathering her courage. She hated personal confrontations…but she knew what she had to do.

It had been two weeks since he had been moved to a private room. Two weeks since the first time Captain Gates had come to see him. Two weeks of Rick slowly pulling away…of something dark simmering beneath his surface. He had been asleep by the time she returned from her talk with Gates that night, but the next morning she began to sense something was off.

_At first, she just chalked it to up to the nightmare he'd had. Night terror was closer to the truth. She had woken up when he became restless and began muttering unintelligibly. And what began as something benign, quickly escalated into something much more sinister_.

Kate tried to soothe him as it got worse, but she couldn't get through to him. His body was rigid with tension even as it fought to act out his dreams. After several minutes, the nightmare began to fade and his eyes opened. She had hoped that meant he was finally awake...but they were vacant, a cobalt abyss. His skin was clammy from the cold sweat that covered his body. After a while, she could feel the tension begin leaving his muscles and his eyes closed slowly as he finally sank into sleep.

He flatly refused to talk about it the next morning...that bothered her, but not too much…she figured he would open up when he was ready. She just needed to be patient and supportive.

However, she really became worried when, later that evening, he insisted that she go home and get some rest. The first couple of days she stubbornly refused to leave his side, even as she could feel him putting emotional distance between them. In all honesty, she would rather sleep on a cot in his room than alone in theirs. But on the third day, he wouldn't take 'No' for an answer.

"_No_. Stop asking me!" she had growled.

"Kate, please. Go get some rest." He closed his eyes in frustration.

"Rick, I'm not leaving you up here alone," but she didn't want to stay either…not like this…not when they were so broken.

"I _WANT_ to be alone." He finally blurted out.

A flicker of hurt crossed her face before she could hide it from him and he tried to soften the blow. "Please. I need some time to think...a lot has happened, Kate...and I have a lot of things I need to process. It's hard to do that with a constant audience. I just need some time." His eyes were pleading for understanding and she finally gave in.

"How much time?" She asked, afraid of the answer.

She braced herself for the same, _'I'll call you,'_ that she had given him when he had asked her the same question a couple of years ago.

_'Please don't say it_', she prayed silently.

"Tomorrow afternoon?" he offered instead.

Kate released the breath she hadn't realized she was holding. She felt a little better. At least he still wanted to see her. For now.

She quietly gathered her things and just stood for a moment, feeling a bit lost...hesitant over what to do next. _Was she supposed to just casually say good night and leave? Should she try to kiss him? She didn't think she could handle it if he pulled away. _Kate could feel the cold rush of panic beginning to well up inside. The thought of him surviving all this and her losing him anyway sent a shockwave through her and her emotions were suddenly swirling out of control. She had to get out of here. She needed to be alone while the pieces of her heart crumbled. She needed solitude to grieve it and privacy to bury it behind a new wall.

"Well, I guess...I guess I should get going then," she said softly. She tried to smile as she looked at him.

"Yeah, I know you have to be tired." His voice was pleasant. "Go home and get a good night's rest." He was smiling politely. Kate's heart started racing. _Polite was a bad sign with Rick._

"Yeah, that sounds like a good plan," she said, weakly.

She stepped closer to his bed, reached out, and squeezed his hand, "Call me if you need me." He returned the pressure on her hand as they touched but he made no move to pull her in for a kiss goodbye.

"I will. Goodnight, Kate." _There was that damned polite smile again._

She could _feel_ his relief that she was leaving...and her heart shattered a little more.

"Goodnight." She covered the distance from his bed to the door as fast as she could without actually bolting.

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Kate held it together long enough to make it to the bathroom which was mercifully empty. The tears flowed as she sobbed quietly, purging some of the fear and pain that were overwhelming her. She rode out the panic attack; calming the physical reactions by using the breathing and meditation techniques, that Dr. Burke had shown her. When she was calm enough, she washed her face, walked to her car, and drove to her apartment.

She showered and cried under the hot spray until the water ran cold. With shaky limbs, she pulled on one of his shirts from the hamper. She wrapped her body around his pillow, and wept for the man she was sure she was losing.

For the first time since her mother died, Katherine Beckett cried herself to sleep.

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Since then, she had only stayed a handful of nights with him at the hospital. The situation between them felt painfully tense to her and it was obviously the same for him.

She began limiting her time during the day with him after a couple of more days. It just felt _so_ incredibly awkward making small talk, feeling him pulling away, and dancing around what they really knew was happening.

He assumed she was going to work during the day and to the loft…or her apartment at night. She didn't correct him.

Almost all her evenings were spent either at the precinct while the Captain was gone, or some nights she would skip the precinct and work from home or the loft. She slept some nights, finally giving in to the exhaustion that plagued her. Not every night…truthfully, she could only manage a few hours at a time, sleeping alone. She felt too small in either of their beds without him.

Kate worked until dawn, poring over every report, every piece of evidence, looking for any leads on Castle's case. She was still coming up empty.

He didn't know that Gates had banned her from the precinct or from his case until she had recovered more fully, from both the miscarriage and the trauma of his captivity.

Their families thought she was spending her days at work, since they hardly ever saw her at the hospital. She let them think it, because if she knew, Martha would never let Kate keep up this kind of schedule in her current condition. She would tell Rick, her Dad, Lanie _and_ the boys. But Kate knew her body and how far she could push it. She had done it on countless cases before. She could do it again. She was fine. Or at least, she would be.

Her work family assumed she was spending her days with Castle. She couldn't see how any _good_ could come from telling them the truth. For some reason, they all seemed to think she would spiral out of control, that she needed someone looking out for her, that she couldn't handle this. But they didn't know her. She could do this.

If he didn't want her, if he couldn't forgive her, then… she understood. She would deal with the loss later. She was used to picking up the pieces of her life by herself. It didn't mean she would quit doing her job.

She damned near got him killed, the least she could do for him and his family was to end the threat against them. She would catch Mick and Shane Fergusson. She would get such an airtight case that they would never see the light of day again. She owed them that. That and so much more.

It didn't take a detective to figure out that something was seriously wrong with their relationship. And it wasn't his anxiety or PTSD. Yeah, he was still having some serious reactions to triggers and horrible nightmares, but Kate knew that wasn't the problem.

He was pulling away, like he had done when he started dating Jacinda. He was building his own walls; protecting his heart...from _her_. Again. She couldn't really even be mad at him. She of all people knew 'Always' wasn't always an option.

Sighing, she sat up, squared her shoulders, and willed her body to remain calm. She hoped she was ready for this. She had practiced what she wanted to say…but with Castle, you never knew what angle he would take to approach an issue. If she were about to face a perp, she would know exactly what to say, do and look for. But this wasn't an interrogation. She wasn't sure she even knew how to _do_ this.

Usually by this point in a relationship, she would have already bailed. With Will, the minute she realized he had the power to hurt her, she ran, broke it off. That's why she had ever gotten involved with Josh. Sure, he was nice, successful and good looking, but she didn't love him, so he could never truly hurt her.

She usually avoided heavy emotional scenes with a man at all costs. But this wasn't just any man. This was _Castle_, her partner. This was _Rick_, the only man she had ever truly fallen in love with. What she felt for him put whatever she felt for the others to shame. There was no comparison.

So, she had been avoiding the coming moments, fighting her instinct to run. She was exhausted from long nights of restless sleep, punctuated by persistent nightmares of Rick screaming and dying…or by bittersweet dreams of a dark haired little boy with green eyes that left her mourning the loss of their child. A weight she carried alone. Rick was in no shape to carry this yet. She had decided to tell him when he was better and she knew it was the right decision, for his sake. She dared not tell Martha and god forbid Alexis found out. Martha couldn't _not_ tell and Alexis would have one more thing to blame her for.

However, the stress, the panic attacks she had managed to hide so far, and the guilt had begun to affect her health and she knew she was losing the strength to put it off much longer.

She forced herself to her feet and made the short walk to his room. She hated break-ups with men she _didn't_ love. She didn't know how she was going to survive this one.

She tapped lightly on Rick's hospital room door.

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Quietly, she pushed the door and stuck her head in.

"Hey Babe, you up for some company?" she asked hopefully.

Rick turned his head towards her and smiled. She couldn't help but notice it was the unnatural smile he had been using lately. Not the sparkling one that made his eyes dance.

"Only a great fool would turn down the company of the extraordinary Kate Beckett." His smile slipped a bit.

She knew that remark was a dig at her. It had been happening more and more. Two weeks of walking on eggshells around each other. Two days since she finally accepted what she had to do. Too long to ignore it any more.

She sat on the edge of his bed, tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and took his hand in hers, ignoring his stiffness. She took a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh, "Rick…we need to talk."

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_**Two weeks ago…**_

After Kate and Captain Gates left, Rick told his mother and daughter that he was tired and ready to call it a night. He insisted they go home and get some rest. They wanted to stay a while longer but he pressed the lie, anxious for them to leave…because talking with Gates had reminded him of why he left Kate's apartment in the first place…she'd lied…again.

He had stormed out angry and devastated at the thought of losing her…to her career of all things. He left her building and started walking towards home. He was so distracted that he didn't see the car pull up ahead of him and park haphazardly. The older brother had jumped from the back seat, tasered him and shoved him in the car. Gone in less than seven seconds. He didn't see it coming at all. He was too busy reliving the worst moments of his life so far.

He was shocked and angry that she was seriously considering taking a job in Washington, D.C… And she didn't even discuss it with him! He remembered the cold knot of fear he felt in the pit of his stomach at her reaction when he asked her about the boarding pass. It spread as she tried to explain…but all he could hear was his heart breaking, all he could see was the end of a dream. His dream of a life with her…he thought it would really be 'Always'.

He had felt the rage simmering beneath his pain. Maybe he wasn't man enough to keep her, but he wasn't going to grovel or beg her to stay. And he damn sure wasn't going to let her see how much she had hurt him.

"I can't be here right now." He grabbed his jacket and left, closing the door softly behind him.

Somewhere along the way in their relationship something had gone wrong and he must have missed it, he thought. She didn't even discuss the job interview with him. Had she been planning to leave him if she got the job? She had probably planned to present him with a _fait accompli_. That would be more her style. Quick and easy. Deliver the deathblow and run. It was just like Meredith all over again. Except it wasn't another man this time. No, but it was her career, her fatal flaw, her one obsession. Justice.

He loved her…still loves her, with all of his being and he really thought she felt the same. How can he trust her with his heart now? Kate runs. That's what she does. He was angry at himself for believing that he could be enough for her. For believing that she could change, that she _had_ changed. But he felt like he's the one who's changing…becoming less trusting, harder…angrier.

It was just a matter of time before she moved on to bigger and better things. She was an exceptional investigator. Hell, for all he knew, she might have gotten the job while he was comatose. She could just be waiting for him to get a little better before she reported for duty.

He thought back to all the comments about his lack of manly traits over the years. Maybe she had been teasing about thinking of him as 'Metro-sexual'…or maybe not. _Maybe that's how she really sees me_, he considered. And after seeing him beaten and broken…physically, emotionally and mentally a wreck, how can she see him as a man that she could ever feel safe with? Hell, Kate was the one usually protecting both of them in the field. _She's more of a man than I am. _The sad realization hit him like a ton of bricks.

_She didn't really need him like he did her_.

Rick hit the call button on his bed. When the night nurse came in, he lied and told her he was in pain. She checked his chart and gave him the medicine through his IV. Maybe he was being a coward, but he needed some time before he saw Beckett again. He needed some time to come to terms with everything that had happened in the last few weeks. Everything he had almost lost and everything he _was_ losing in Kate. A shot at love, happiness and kids…he wanted it all with her.

He could feel the chemicals doing their job. Numbing his senses, pulling him under. Drawing him down into the darkness where he could hide…even from himself. He was asleep before she returned.

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_**Present day…**_

_Don't turn away  
(Don't give in to the pain)  
Don't try to hide  
(Though they're screaming your name)_

_Don't close your eyes_

_(God knows what lies behind them)_

_Don't turn out the light_

_(Never sleep, never die)_

_~Evanescence _

She took the seat next to his bed. She took the hand that was closest to her. "Rick…we need to talk."

"Wow," he pulled his hand from hers. He looked down at his lap briefly, straightening the sheet that covered his waist. "That's something people say before they deliver bad news."

"I need to tell you something." She looked nervous and uncertain.

Rick closed his eyes to hide the flash of panic her words brought.

He had only gotten back from his morning therapy about an hour ago and he was still mentally and physically drained. He had spent the last two weeks focusing on getting better. He was able to take longer and longer walks in the hallways, slowly building his strength and endurance. He did PT first thing in the mornings and that was torture, but he kept at it because he could tell it was working. So of course she would pick now when he was exhausted…she certainly knew how to turn the knife. He hated the taste of bitterness in his mouth at the thought.

He had also been concentrating on protecting his heart…Putting some emotional distance between him and Kate. That was harder than the physical therapy. As he told her once, 'The heart wants what the heart wants', and his was no different. His heart wanted hers, but he was tired of her running and pushing him away. He was tired of wondering if she could ever really stay.

He would have followed her to D.C. He would follow her to hell and back. He could write from anywhere, but she never thought to include him. And that knowledge was his greatest regret. He had done all he could do over the years to show her how he felt about her, and she would give him up…for a job. That hurt. He had had enough of being hurt by Kate…no… Beckett, he mentally corrected himself.

It was easier to think of her as Beckett…Kate was the love of his life. Beckett was….easier, not so intimate, less painful. He had been trying to prepare himself for when she finally decided to leave. He was determined to be a gentleman, to let her go without making it any harder than it had to be. He would bow out gracefully, like he did with Josh and Demming. Of course he wanted her to _want_ to be with him, but mostly he just wanted her to happy and safe. She let out another sigh.

_Here it comes, _he thought. He had been mentally preparing himself for this. He figured she would drop this particular bomb when she was ready. He took a deep breath and let it out, apparently she was finally ready. _He just wasn't sure he was_.

"Rick, I'm so sorry." She closed her eyes and her head was bowed down a bit, like she was about to confess to some hideous sin.

He decided to spare her the trouble. "Don't be sorry, Kate. I'm happy for you. You're gonna be great in D.C." He had given it a lot of thought. He wanted her to be happy. He had just hoped it would include him. He plastered on a smile, or as close to one as he could manage. "I'm sure you will be a great asset to the Task Force."

Kate pushed her chair back as she stood up slowly. "Wait…what?" She looked genuinely confused.

"Are you talking about the FBI job?!" Try as she might, she couldn't keep the shock and hurt out of her voice.

Rick couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye when he lied, so he focused on his hands, tightly clasped together in his lap. He forced himself to unclench them, "I mean, yeah…it's a good career move for you." He unconsciously used her own words against her, "You'll be on the national stage. You'll be able to do more."

"Without you," she whispered as she paced around the room, running her fingers through her golden brown locks.

If Castle had been watching, he would have seen that what he _thought _was relief in her voice, was instead a quiet rage. "Is that what you want, Rick?"

"Look, Beckett…Let's not drag this out." His tone was terse and clipped. His blue eyes were flat and hard and matched his tone. "Did they offer you the job?"

"Yes, they di—"

"Then you should take it. You're certainly under no obligation to me." He turned his head away and stared out the window, not really seeing. His focus was on keeping it together while she walked out of his life.

"You insufferable, unmitigated JACKASS!" Kate yelled at the top of her lungs.

Rick looked up just in time to catch a wet washcloth right across the face. He peeled the cold, damp rag away and stared at Beckett in disbelief and confusion. She was standing across the room, near the sink. She shimmered with anger, like heat coming off pavement.

A part of his brain admired her beauty…not to mention her aim, but the rest of it was completely lost.

_His low opinion of her was well deserved and she knew it, but did he really think she would LEAVE him over a job? And now? When he was recovering, when his attackers were still out there, hunting their friends and families?! If she had made him feel like that was even a remote possibility, then she had failed him…failed 'them' more than she realized._

"How could you think I would leave you? Over a fucking job?" As soon as she said it, she knew it was the wrong thing to say_. The job interview. Shit._

"How could I-?" he sputtered. He was suddenly so angry and indignant that he didn't even bother trying to hide it, "Gee, I don't know Kate…_MAYBE BECAUSE YOU WENT ON A GODDAMNED JOB INTERVIEW WITHOUT EVEN DISCUSSING IT WITH ME?!_" His deep baritone boomed throughout the room and beyond. He could care less who heard.

Apparently, he did believe it.

"I'm not leaving you, Rick." Her voice was calmer, softer, but her emotions were still running high. She took the chair by his bed again, "But I would like to talk to you about it. I need to apologize to you…and clear the air." This wasn't going well, but then again, she hadn't really expected it to.

"What is there to talk about?"

"Babe, I told you…I'm not leaving you," Kate murmured, her head was in her hands, her elbows resting on her knees…"not unless you tell me to go."

"Don't stay on my account. I'll be fine." His jaw was clenched and the lines of his face were strained.

After the longest fifteen seconds of his life, she admitted, "I turned down the job." Her voice was still muffled by her hands. When he didn't respond she finally made herself look at him.

The stunned look on his face hurt more than she imagined it could. He had put his heart on the line for her so many times and she had let him down over and over. Still, it hurt to know he really believed she would leave him for a damned job. But she had no one to blame but herself. She hated herself for being such a coward about the interview and she owed it to him now to fully explain herself.

"Rick, please. At least let me explain why I did what I did," her voice and eyes were pleading with him to listen.

He nodded. He couldn't speak, so it was all he could manage. He hated himself for the flare of joy he felt when she said she wasn't leaving him. But maybe he was wrong, maybe she wasn't thinking about leaving. He had to hear her out. He wasn't sure he could trust her, but as Alexander Pope once wrote, 'Hope springs eternal.'

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Servatis a periculum, Servatis a maleficum.

Servatis a periculum, Servatis a maleficum.

~ Evanescence

A/N: Thank you all who have followed or favorited. I appreciate you taking the time to read. I hope you enjoyed it. Reviews are love.


	6. The Change

A/N: Disclaimer: Marlowe owns his stuff, I own mine.

This was a hard chapter to write. I hope you all enjoy it. Thanks to those who have patiently waited for this chapter. I hope it doesn't disappoint.

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Only Love Will Guide You Home

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Chapter 6: The Change

_Thought that I was strong_

_I know the words I need to say_

_Frozen in my place_

_I let the moment slip away_

_I've been screaming on the inside_

_And I know you feel the pain_

_Can you hear me? _

_Can you hear me? _

_Ahh….._

_Say it's over,_

_Yes, it's over_

_But I need you anyway_

_Say you love me_

_But it's not enough_

_ ~ Evanescence_

Rick had agreed to hear her out, but after a moment or two, he got up from the bed and walked over nearer to her. He didn't want to have this conversation lying down. He needed to be able to move; think on his feet.

Kate still had not spoken. He didn't realize that he had reached for her until he saw that his hand was almost on her shoulder. He caught himself and pulled it back quickly.

"Kate?" he prodded, his sharp tone visibly startled her.

_She had to be honest, she thought. As painful, or humiliating, or terrifying as this was…she had to tell him the truth_. She could hear Dr. Burke saying that it was her _only_ chance to save their relationship. At her core, she knew he was right. She sighed and turned to face Castle. He had moved to stand against the foot of the bed.

He crossed his arms and waited.

"I didn't mean to lie to you, Rick."

Based on the look of patent disbelief and derision on his face, Kate realized that might not have been the best opening statement she could make.

"Then what _did_ you mean to do, Kate?" He asked angrily, her name was practically spit out of his mouth. "Because when I asked you what Agent Stack wanted to talk to you about, you said…and I quote...'Nothing'."

He uncrossed his arms as he took a step toward her. His eyes were hard and cold, glinting bits of ice boring into her guilty conscious. "Then you lied again the morning you came back from Washington…you said your phone was off…but I bet it wasn't. You couldn't answer because you were at the interview or on the plane." He shook his head and pinching the bridge of his nose, he closed his eyes, and his body went still. His facial expression was one of painful clarity. He could see it now. "God Damn it! I'm such a fool…" he bit out. "Those days… before …when you were encouraging me to get some writing done…"

With a growl of movement, he began closing the distance between them. "Of course, it makes sense now. You really just needed your privacy so you could keep me in the dark…until you had everything you needed…'till you had all the facts…until _YOU_ were ready to make a decision concerning _OUR_ future!" By this point, he was almost nose-to-nose with her, "So you tell me, Kate…what part… of _all_ that…_wasn't_ fucking deliberate?"

Kate was trembling before him. She had never really thought about how he would feel…yeah, she knew he would be upset…but she hadn't realized all the things it would mean to him and the range of emotions that his anger would entail.

The depth and breadth of his pain and her betrayal had her shaking. She had messed this up so badly. She just wanted to take his pain away.

She reached for him, laying her hands on his cast. He all but jerked his arm away as he put a little space between them. "I'm so sorry, Castle. I didn't think…" His eyes narrowed at that, "I mean, um, I didn't want to…" She caught her breath. _I didn't want to lose you!_ She wanted to say it, she really did.

"What, Kate? You didn't want to what?"

Her mouth was open but nothing would come out. Her thoughts and feelings were scrambling her mind, paralyzing her ability to speak. _What in the hell was wrong with her that risking her heart was so hard? _

_It was fear, she realized. Not the kind of fear she was used to facing on the job, this was her heart and soul. There was so much more than just her life at stake._

His shoulders dropped in disappointment at her inability to say what was in her heart and he began to turn away

"Castle…Wait, please." She whispered._ Honesty, Kate_.

"For how long, Kate?" He surged forward. "Four more years?…Ten more? Do you even know?" He sighed and tried to calm down. His forehead touched hers, briefly.

He didn't realize he had taken her by her shoulders. When he did, he shook her gently, "My God, Kate…what have I ever done that you can't trust me with how you're feeling?" he whispered, genuinely confused.

He was right. The simple truth was…she did trust him. Implicitly. Everything he had ever done for her was because he cared for her as a friend, a woman, as a lover. She could trust him with her heart. She felt a sense of calm come over her as she accepted the truth…that Richard Castle was committed to her already. She should have never doubted him.

"Answer me, dammit! Look me in the eye and just be _honest_ with me for once!"

She couldn't think when he was looking at her like that. So she said the only thing she knew to be true. "I love you."

She tried to pour all her love into her eyes, hoping he could just _see_. She desperately wanted him to just sense how she felt. But he couldn't. So she said, "I don't want to lose you, Rick. I don't want to lose us."

"Then talk to me," he urged her gently.

She leaned forward, slightly into him.

Rick couldn't hold back anymore, he slipped his arms around her and pulled her the rest of the way in, until her head was resting on his shoulder. And just like that, he felt her wall crack a bit, as she tried to choke back a sob.

"Tell me about the job offer. I need to understand."

"I was scared, Castle…There was Agent Stack telling me I had what it took to go to the next level. That everything about me said I was destined for bigger things. And I wanted it…that recognition for the success that I had worked my ass off for. I thought about how it would be so much easier to solve my Mom's murder if I had cool toys like the ones Agent Shaw has…higher clearance, access to records, the best and brightest minds, and a part of me wanted it. Then I just felt guilty."

"Why would you feel guilty?"

"All my adult life has been about getting other people what they need…sobriety for my Dad, justice for the victims…truth and closure for their families." Her voice was so soft against his chest, he almost didn't hear her next words. "And for only the second time in my life, I wanted something just for me…but it would come at the cost of the real everyday victims in my city." She pulled back a little and looked at him, "Is that so wrong, to want something for myself?"

"No, Kate, there's nothing wrong with wanting things for yourself." His deep tones were gentle, caring. Even now, when they both knew their relationship was at a dangerous crossroad, he wanted her to be happy.

The cool air and the loss of her warmth against his chest made him realize his shirt was damp. He hadn't realized she was crying. "C'mon…come sit down."

He led her to the built in sofa that doubled as a bed. He sat in the corner and she wedged herself in next to him, wiping at her tears, and talking the entire time.

"I realized that I needed to figure out if I really wanted to leave the NYPD and all I've built here or was I just excited by the _idea_ of going Federal. That's why I didn't tell you right away, I _did_ want to have my facts in order before I talked to you about it…but not because of why you think. I didn't want to upset the applecart. I needed to make sure it was what_ I_ wanted, that it was right for me, before I went to you with it.

But it all happened so fast, the flight, the application, and the interview were just back-to-back to back. It was on top of me before I really had time to consider it all. But I swear, I was planning on talking to you about it at dinner that night…but then you found the boarding pass…and well...it all just blew up in my face."

They sat for a few moments, soaking up what they had said and heard. He ran his hand up and down her arm, unconsciously soothing them both. "Kate, um, you mentioned wanting two things for yourself." He dropped his head to rest his cheek into the soft curls under him. "What was the other one?"

She took so long to answer, he was afraid she had fallen asleep.

She sat up and put her hand on his cast again, reaching out. "You."

Rick slid his arm back until he could hold her hand with the fingers outside the cast.

"I wanted you…for me. You made my life more fun, I laughed more, found parts of me I had forgotten existed. And that was the main reason the job offer scared me. The biggest reason, to be honest."

"How so?'

"I was scared by how it might change our relationship."

"Oh." He thought for a moment and admitted his own fear. "I was afraid too. I thought you were going to tell me you were leaving me for the Feds. That's partly why I left…I didn't want to hear you say it's over."

Taking a deep breath, Kate decided to lay it all on the line. "We're in this relationship…but we never talk about where we're going." She hurried to add, "And that's been fine, I'm happy with you. But I knew that a new job, in another city, would mean that we would have to talk about the future, about us. I didn't want you to feel like I was pushing you into something you weren't ready for."

Kate was hoping that he would say something…but he remained silent, pondering all that was said…and unsaid.

"You were surprised," he finally spoke. "Earlier…you were surprised that I was upset over the job interview. What did you _think_ I was upset about? What else don't I know?"

His matter of fact tone…as if he just assumed she was holding something else back, sent a chill of unease through her. Because of course, he was right.

A discouraging silence washed the room for a few minutes before Kate finally whispered, "I thought you've been blaming me for what happened to you." She chanced to look at him. This time he looked surprised. "Espo told me about the threat right as we were hanging up that night…I didn't warn you about it…I forgot all about it after you found the boarding pass. I let you walk right into a trap. I'm so sorry, Rick. Maybe if I had remembered to tell you, none of this would have happened." Kate dropped her head into her hands.

This time it was Rick who captured her eyes with his. "Unless you arranged for those guys to kidnap and torture me…it's not your fault. And since I know you…I know it's not your fault. So quit beating yourself up over it, ok? I don't blame you for what they did. And no one else will either."

_Except Alexis_, she thought. _Great…one more secret. But was this one hers to tell?_

Rick swallowed visibly and ran his hands through his hair. "Honestly…your lying…and keeping secrets from me…that was in your power to control. You have no control over what Mike and Shane did." He was still angry with her, he couldn't help it…so many lies, so many times of her running back to her shell. It helped to understand her rationale, but it still hurt.

"You're right…I handled this poorly because I was afraid to trust my feelings. To trust in us."

He cleared his throat, "Did you really turn down the job?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because being without you wouldn't have been right for me." _There. The unvarnished truth._

"After the interview I was able to talk with the agent who would've been my Unit Leader. McCord and I talked about my past experiences, which, of course, include you. And she made it clear that you and I would never be able to work together. Plus, there would be so much classified stuff I couldn't even discuss with you." She shot a tentative smile in his direction, "I love that aspect of our relationship. I love building theory with you. I'm not ready to give that up."

Rick felt the spark of hope reignite…but before he could let it grow, he had to know one more thing. "Is there anything else you're not telling me?" He raked his right hand through his hair in his typical fashion, "Because honest to God, Kate. I don't think I can handle any more."

_Oh, God…the miscarriage_. Keeping it from him until he was better was one thing, outright lying to him about it now, of all times, was another.

He felt the truth in the way her body tensed against him. He surged to his feet, "Oh my god," he groaned. "Just tell me and get it over with…I'm getting tired of having to drag information out of you."

_Honesty, Kate_. She had to tell him. She prayed this wouldn't be the final straw.

She sat up and faced him squarely. "There is something else I need to tell you, Rick. But you have to know…The only reason I haven't told you is because you've been under so much trauma and stress already…and I wanted to give you more time to heal emotionally before giving you another reason to be upset."

Kate took a deep breath and let it out. "I had a miscarriage while you were in ICU."

"You…you…oh my god…Kate, no." The pain in his chest was instant and literal. It hit his soul like a sledgehammer. Rick had no idea what she was about to say, but never in a million years would he have guessed _this_. His felt the strength leave his knees and he collapsed back down onto the sofa.

"I'm so sorry, Rick," She said. Her eyes were wet with unshed tears. She knew the pain he was feeling and she hated being the one to cause it. She reached for him then, her right hand gently rubbing his jaw then running her fingers through the hair behind his ear.

Rick was stunned. His mind going in a thousand different directions. He spoke the first logical question he could pose, "Are you ok? Physically, I mean, will there be…"

"I'm fine. No complications."

She didn't look fine, he realized. For the first time in two weeks, he really looked at her. She had lost weight, which she couldn't afford. The dark circles under her eyes, a mute testimony to how little she was sleeping.

Rick knew her well enough to know that a loss like this would be devastating for her. He knew that inside she was still grieving for her child. Their child. _His child_.

_He lost a child_. It hit him and the tears would not be denied. He couldn't help it; he wrapped her up in his arms. He needed to hold the only other person in the world who understood this loss.

After a few minutes, he straightened up. Making no efforts to hide the fact that he was wiping away tears, he whispered, "Tell me everything."

"It was your second night in the Emergency Room. I had been cramping for a couple of days…but with everything going on…I just chalked it up to the stress of what they were doing to you and trying to find you." She paused here, taking a breath…looking for the calm to continue. "Out of nowhere, I got this terrible pain…I cried out…I couldn't help it, it hurt so bad. There was some blood but I managed to hit the nurse button before I hit the floor." Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she retold the story.

"Do you remember your ICU nurse, Chloe?" At his nod, she continued, "She was the one who came in. I think she recognized what was happening right away. She helped me up but before we could make it to a chair, another pain hit…worse than the first and I screamed out…and the scream woke you up.

"I woke up?" He couldn't believe he would have been awake for that and not remember it.

"Yes, you moved your head and stared at me for a few seconds. That's when you threw up…and you choked and aspirated some of it." She took his right hand in both of hers; he didn't pull back this time. She took some hope from that. "They think you threw up due to your concussion…but it's because of that you developed pneumonia."

Kate was hit with the knowledge that every bit of this was her fault in some way. The domino effect was sobering and she knew the common denominator in them all…was her. The lies, the fight, him walking out, letting him leave without telling him about the threat, the torture…done strictly to get back at her, her not being able to hold in her pain, him getting pneumonia and almost dying.

"How far along were you," he asked, his voice still rough with grief and tears.

"Their best guess was eight to ten weeks."

Rick couldn't believe it. His child had been growing for two months…and then it just…wasn't anymore.

"Kate, I don't know what to say…I'm so sorry this happened to you…to us. I would have loved this child, please tell me you know that."

"I do know that, and you would have been a great dad the second time around too. I wish it had turned out differently. I'm so sorry, Castle."

A quick knock on the door had them quickly wiping away tears and putting some space between them on the couch.

"Hey dad…I thought a break from hospital food would cheer you up, so… I stopped….by…Remy's." Alexis quickly took stock of the situation, her dad had been crying. She was instantly angry…Kate had hurt him again "Should I come back later?"

It was Kate who spoke first. "No, Alexis you should stay." She forced a smile for both of them. "I bet your Dad could use the company. Besides, I need to head out." She really didn't have anywhere to be, but Rick looked like he needed some time to process.

He didn't argue or try to change her mind as she stood to leave. He was still shell-shocked. He was surprised when she put her hand on his shoulder and leaned in to gently kiss him on the lips. "I'll come back later tonight. We can talk more then, if you want."

He nodded. Yes, they still needed to talk, he thought. They needed to talk about the future. "Yeah, I…uh…I'll see you tonight."

Kate nodded to Alexis and giving his shoulder one last squeeze, she walked out.

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_Never meant to lie_

_But I'm not the girl you think you know_

_The more that I am with you_

_The more that I am all alone_

_I've been screaming on the inside_

_And I know you feel the pain_

_Can you hear me? _

_Can you hear me? _

_Ahh….._

_Say it's over,_

_Yes, it's over_

_But I need you anyway_

_Say you love me_

_But it's not enough_

_ ~ Evanescence_

Alexis put the food on the tray by his bed and sat beside him on the couch. "Dad, are you alright?" Her blue eyes, so much like his, were filled with concern. Her dad rarely cried.

"Dad, what's wrong. What did she do this time?"

Rick shook himself from his thoughts, "She didn't do anything, Pumpkin. We were just talking some things over."

"Dad…C'mon, you were both crying. That sounds like more than just 'talking some things over.' What's going on? Are you ok? Did the doctor's have bad news?"

"No it wasn't anything like that sweetie, it was…" He couldn't go on. He wanted to ease the worry he saw in his only child's eyes…no, not his only child…his only living child. Would the new baby have inherited their blue eyes, the Rogers' red hair? Or brown hair and green eyes like its mother. Unbidden the tears came again.

Alexis wrapped her arms around him and he held her, rocking back and forth. He wasn't sure who was comforting whom at that point. But he didn't care. He had just found out that he'd lost one child. He desperately needed to hold the other.

"Daddy, please talk to me…what happened?" Alexis was beginning to cry now, he could hear it in her voice.

"Kate had a miscarriage," he finally managed to choke out.

"What?" Alexis was shocked. _Why hadn't she told anyone?_ "When?"

"My second night in the hospital. She was about 10 weeks along."

"Oh my God, Daddy. I'm so sorry" She hugged him harder. His playboy image aside, he loved kids and she knew he had always wanted more. She wanted them for him too; a little brother or sister would be exactly what they all needed. She cried for the sibling she would never know.

Wiping his eyes with his sleeve, he asked "I take it she didn't tell anyone?"

"No, she never said a word. Why would she keep something like that from me and Grams? After all, that baby was our family too!"

"I don't know, Lex. I don't know." He was so tired, so emotionally drained, he forgot for the moment that he was talking to his daughter. Right now, he needed a friend, and they had always been that.

He told her about the job interview and the lies. He told her how Kate confessed that she was scared to broach the subject of their future because she was afraid he wouldn't want one. He poured out his pain that after all this time and all he had done to show her that she could always count on him…she still didn't trust him. And his darkest confession…He wasn't sure anymore that she ever could.

_Alexis was fuming. So much for not upsetting her Dad while he recovered! How dare she lay all of her crap on him. Kate knew he was barely sleeping as it was, due to nightmares. His PTSD was getting a little better inside the hospital. And to pick now to dump all this relationship drama on him…she should have waited until he was better. She needed to get him away from her_.

She knew he would reject that idea outright…he wasn't ready to break up with her, she could see that. But maybe some time apart might be good for him.

With a dark glee, she thought it would be good for Kate too. Let her actually face the consequences of hurting her dad for once instead of being instantly forgiven. That's why she keeps hurting him…because he lets her. Because he loves her. He forgives her.

"Dad, I'm so sorry she's hurt you. You don't deserve that." She cut him off before he could defend her, "I'm not saying anything bad about Kate…I'm just saying…you deserved her trust."

Alexis got up, retrieved the forgotten lunch from his favorite diner, and started handing out food. They talked some more while they ate.

"You know, the more I think about it, the more I wonder something."

"What's that, sweetie?" he said around a bite of cheeseburger.

"Why wouldn't Kate tell us about the baby? Doesn't she accept us as part of your child's life…its family? Doesn't she want us to be part of her family? I mean, I thought she did…she acted like she did." Alexis let out a forlorn sigh, "Was all that a lie too?"

Rick reached out and covered his daughters hand with one of his own. "No, sweetie, that's not it. Kate's just….hard to get to know…she doesn't let on what she's feeling too often… but she does feel it. I have to believe that. Otherwise, what's the point?" He dropped his head into his hands, his exhaustion evident.

"But what if she doesn't, Dad. What if she can't be open and trusting? Are you prepared to accept that?"

"What are you saying, Alexis?" He gave her a probing look, "Are you saying I should end it with Beckett?"

"No…I'm just asking you to consider the possibility that she can't or won't change…and do you want to live like that. Never knowing where you stand with her." Alexis knew she had pushed about as far as she dared on that subject, so she switched tactics, "I wonder how long she was going to wait to tell us about the baby?"

Her dad didn't answer her, but she knew the seed of doubt had been planted. If Kate was really who he wanted, he at least needed to step back and look at the situation realistically. Love wasn't always enough.

They finished eating and Alexis told him she needed to go back home. She was interning for Lanie this evening and she needed to get ready for work. She hugged her dad goodbye, but couldn't resist one last attempt. "Dad, you know how you've cautioned me about making life changing decisions while I'm upset or stressed?

Rick attempted a smile and nodded. "Yeah."

"With your PTSD and nightmares…not to mention the miscarriage…maybe it wouldn't hurt for you to get some space from her for a while…They're still planning on releasing you in a couple of weeks. Maybe take a break until then. You'll be in a better frame of mind once you get out of here and back to the loft. Then you can focus on you and Kate."

He started shaking his head, but she stopped him, saying "Remember Dad, you can't make anyone change…all you can do is give them time to change."

"How did you get so smart?" He hugged her once more before she left.

"Maybe I get it from your dad," she said with a teasing smile. She kissed his cheek and left the room satisfied that she had done what she could to get him to open his eyes and see Kate for what she was. An emotional sponge who would suck him dry and then move on.

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_Not that I'm so different_

_Not that I don't see_

_The dying light of what we used to be_

_But how can I forgive you?_

_You've changed_

_And I'm a liar by your side_

_I'm about to lose my mind_

_'Cause I've been screaming on the inside_

_And I know you feel the pain_

_Can you hear me? _

_Can you hear me? _

_Ahh….._

_You've been dreaming_

_If you're thinking_

_That I still belong to you_

_And I've been dying_

_'Cause I'm lying to myself_

_Ahh….._

_ ~Evanescence_

Rick crawled in bed after his daughter left. He was physically and emotionally exhausted. And he needed to think. Was Kate capable of just 'diving in' to a relationship and 'being there for each other' like she once claimed she wanted? Granted she had made some strides lately…but was it too little too late?

He could write from anywhere…and he would if it meant being with her. But she hadn't even given him that option. As far as he was concerned…that spoke volumes about the foundation of their relationship. He thought it was built on trust and respect, now he's not so sure.

Somewhere out in the hall someone dropped a metal tray that had Castle jumping out of his skin and fighting off flashbacks. He was always tired afterwards…probably the let down from the adrenalin dump, he figured. He didn't fight the urge to sleep when it came…he wanted to be rested when Kate returned. Alexis was right about one thing, some decisions needed to be made.

He was watching some TV show about dinosaurs when Kate came into his room.

She smiled tentatively at him, "Dinosaurs, Castle? You couldn't find a good mystery to watch?"

He shrugged, "I wasn't really paying attention to it anyway." He pushed a button and the TV went dark.

"I brought us some coffees. I thought you might be ready for something a bit better than the hospital swill."

"Thanks," he said as he took the beverage. "How was your day," he asked for something to say.

"Okay, I guess. I spent the day cleaning my apartment. I did a little grocery shopping."

"You bought real food?" he sounded surprised.

"Well…sort of. I got some of those microwavable meals you're so fond of."

He made a face. "Those don't qualify as real food, you know."

She smiled at his typical response. But he looked away and didn't return her smile.

An awkward silence filled the room as they sipped their drinks. He wanted to them to be normal again…but this lie stood between them like a chasm. He wasn't sure how to cross it.

Unknowingly, Kate was thinking pretty much the same thing…but she knew the lie was hers, the trust had been broken on her end…, and she had to find a way to fix it.

"Castle, I've been thinking about what you said today. And I'm sorry that I kept the interview from you. I should have trusted you. I'm sorry…and I want very much for us to work this out." She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, "Tell me what I need to do to fix this. I promise I'll do better…I'll work harder to be what you need."

He could tell she meant what she said. Sadly, he wasn't sure he could believe that she could really change. "Kate," he began, "What I need from you I'm not sure you can give me."

At her questioning look, he took a deep breath and muttered "I need you to trust in me…that I will always have your best interests at heart. But it seems every time you get the chance…you pull away…you don't include me…emotionally you keep me at arm's length. I don't know if you can ever let me all the way in."

"I'm trying, Castle. I swear I am." She ran her hands nervously through her loose curls. "But it's so hard for me. Please…don't give up on me." Had she really resorted to begging? Yes. And she would do it again if it meant not losing him.

"Rick, I'm not like you. I don't say what I'm thinking until I've considered all the angles…I'm a cop. You might have noticed, we're a pretty closed off bunch. I care…very deeply. But as a Cop, you have to keep your emotions in check. Hell, I've had to do that my entire adulthood…to deal with the trauma of my own life, the horror of what I see everyday…trust is a precious commodity when life is held so cheaply. But I do trust you, Rick. I know my actions may not seem like it…but before you…I would mull things over and then sometimes I would talk them out with Lanie. But now I talk them out with you."

Exasperated he threw his hands in the air, "Yes…but you don't mull them over with me…that's what I want, Kate…to be let in before…not after the fact!" He raked his fingers through his hair, "I don't want to have to drag your feelings, and troubles out of you…I need them to be freely shared. You asked me what I need from you. I need the same kind of openness I give you, Kate. I'm just not sure you can give me that."

"I'll promise to try, Rick. That's all anyone can really do. But what if I mess up? It's an ingrained habit…I can't promise It won't happen again. Will the next time mean the end of us? Can anyone live under that kind of pressure?"

Before he could answer, a nurse came in to check his vitals. When she was done and left the room, he turned to Kate with a serious expression on his face. "Kate, tell me something…If I hadn't asked you today if there was anything else you weren't telling me…would you have told me about the miscarriage?"

"No," she whispered brokenly. She knew the admission was damning, especially now.

His eyes flared with anger, "You mean after everything we've discussed today…you would have continued to lie?"

"To protect you, yes. I would've told you… but not until your doctors felt you were ready. You may not believe me, but I was just trying to protect you."

"Did you tell anyone about it?" he asked, perplexed by this frustrating woman who would take on the world by herself. Why was it so hard for her to accept love and help?

"No, only your nurse Chloe and Captain Gates knew."

"Why didn't you at least tell our families? They could have helped you through it while I was unconscious."

"No one can help you grieve, Castle. Trust me. It's a solitary process."

"Damn it, Woman! Why is it so hard for you to accept that people love you and want to be there for you?!"

"And I love them too, Rick! So how could I possibly justify adding that pain to what they were already dealing with? They were barely hanging on those first few days, I couldn't do that to them."

"Sharing your pain with people who love you doesn't make you weak, Kate."

"And burdening people you love when they are already overwhelmed doesn't make you strong."

And so it went. They debated, they argued, they talked in circles. They talked for what seemed like hours. They needed each other to feel complete, of that there was no doubt. They loved each other, that much they agreed on.

But love isn't always enough, and as the sun dropped down below the New York skyline, the couple agreed to separate.

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_Say it's over_

_Yes, it's over_

_But I need you anyway_

_Say you love me _

_But it's not enough_

_ ~Evanescence_

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